Earlier this morning I heard an enthusiastic knocking at the door. "Who is it?" I shouted, rubbing my engorged nostrils eagerly, in anticipation of an exciting visitor.

"It’s someone you know" came the cheery reply.

"Really?" I shouted cleverly "I don’t recognise the voice. Where are you from?"

"It’s someone from work" The voice reassured me. So I bestrode my hallway like a Collossus, went to the front door and opened it -to be confronted by a complete stranger, wearing a shiny elbowed suit and an unconvincing pair of plastic specs with plastic nose and moustache attached..

"Who the fuck are you?" I asked, starting to get a bit annoyed *"I dont' know you!"

The stranger looked shiftily around him and then jammed his foot in the door

"It’s regarding that telephone call we had yesterday" he breezed

"What fucking telephone call?" I snarled "I’ve never seen you before in my life!"<

The stranger glanced nervously around him once more.

"Dyspeptic somnambulant flowering cheesecake.." he suddenly blurted, sweating profusely.

"Dyspep…​ what?!" I asked in growing confusion *"Is there something wrong with you? What the hell are you on about?"

"OK. Sorry!.." shrugged the stranger, eyes darting from side to side "…​Just trying to throw the spamcops off the scent. I’m really here to offer you some Vagora"

"Vagora?…​ What the fuck’s Vagora…​ and who the fuck are you?" I yelled, the vein in my temple throbbing rythmically.

"You know…​" the stranger winked "V1gara!"

"Vee One Gara?…​ " I echoed "Have you got Tourette’s or something. Do you even speak English?"

"Vi@gra!" leered the stranger, winking furiously - "Make her cum!"

"Vye at Gra?" I looked at him in bewilderment "Make who come…​ from where?

"Vogara!" leered the stranger, his eyelid flapping like a castanet.

"Oh!" I suddenly thought aloud "Are you trying to say 'Viagra?'"

"No!" he screeched looking round him in alarm…​ "Er…​ Yes.." he continued, in a low voice, drool beginning to drip from the corner of his mouth. "Well…​?"

"Well, what..?" I asked wearily

"Do you want some?"

"Not really" I replied, adopting what I hoped was the confident mien of a man with something larger than a chipolatta hanging between his legs "Anyway, where is it?" I asked "You don’t seem to be carrying anything"

"Well, I haven’t got any on me at the minute" replied the stranger making a show of patting his pockets "But if you’ll just give me your credit card details, I’ll post you some out in the next day or two"

So, dear reader - what happened next? Did i…​

or…​