Descent Into Senility
“Pathetic performance in the Beeb's latest 'Test the Nation' quiz”

Fuck me rigid wi’ a rusty dildo!

Did anyone else try that Test the Nation IQ test the other night on The Beeb? It was loads harder than all the previous ones! I’m tempted to play the “I’d been drinkin’ all day” card as some kind of excuse, but given that in the past I’ve usally been the first to throw the “I’d been drinkin’ all day and I’m still a feckin’ genius!” card onto the table, I think I’d better keep my gob shut!

Anyway, it turns out that [According to this test] my IQ is a measely 127. Now I know all you plankton out there, wi’ yer knuckles scraping on the ground, probably dream of having such a collossal intellect. But in all the IQ tests I’ve taken before, my IQ has averaged out at 135, so you can see why I’m worried. The last test I did was less than a year ago and I think I got 134 then. At this rate of deterioration i’ll have less between the ears than the average scally in about five years time –shudder!

The Missus made a huge leap this time. Last time we did “Test the Nation” she was even drunker than me and emerged with a pea-brained IQ of 96. [You can imagine the deep, solemn, heartfelt sympathy I gave her on that occasion!]. This time she managed a more credible 117. So it looks like her IQ is improving at a similar rate to that by which mine is declining. This is also a worrying development as it means that, if this continues, I will soon reach the stage where, when arguing with my girlfriend, not only will she act as if she’s right -there’s an increased likelihood that she might actually be right! -shudder no.2!

One bright speck on the horizon tho’ was the performance of me oul’ Mammy. Last time we had the ‘Family Brainfeast’ I was gutted when [In spite of me getting more questions right], The Mammy got an IQ one point higher than mine, due to the way the scores are weighted for various age groups. This time however, her geriatric cheating didnae work and she came out with a feeble IQ of 126.

By my reckoning, that blow to the intellectual pride should put her out of the running for the forseeable future. She can now retire gracefully to the corner of the room, where she can sit dribbling and stinking of wee like a proper oul’ person and not try to cross mental swords with the big guy anymore!

As for The Missus, well the bitch’s boozing may be destroying her braincells at a faster rate than my less enthusiastic ‘supping’. But, with me having 14 years head start on her, she does have time on her side. Methinks I shall have to start grating a bit of lead powder into her dinner at nights - just to even things out a bit!

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TAGS: test the nationquizbbciq

ORIGINAL PUBLICATION DATE: 22 May 2004

AUTHOR: stíobhart matulevicz

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