The world of advertising, infested as it is with novelty tie and glasses wearing cocklappers of the first order who think the world thousand is pronounced “Kay”, has always been a particular bugbear of mine. So it gives me great pleasure to throw a bucket of cold sick in the face of whichever Dickie Beasley* brought us “Middle-Class Multi-Ethnic Model Gang”
For years advertisers have presented us visions of the world as it should be, rather than as it is. I have neither the time or inclination to even begin to list the squillions of examples which promise sexual ecstasy in return for purchase of the appropriate domestic appliance, cleaning product, financial service, toiletry or [especially!] car. The creation of “Middle-Class Multi-Ethnic Model Gang” however seems to serve a more subtle agenda:
“Let’s get as many beautiful people from as wide a variety of races as possible and picture them having ecstatic middle-class perfect-teethed fun in the company of <Insert name of shitty product here> then hopefully all those ‘Wops’, ‘Pakis’, ‘Chinks’ and ‘Niggers’ out there who we wouldn’t normally let past the front door of our local Golf Club will think we really care about them and identify with their lifestyles and will fight over each other to buy <Insert name of shitty product here>”.
It really gets on my fuckin’ wick! Firstly there’s the whole cynical tokenistic transparency of it all and for a second, it’s just so feckin’ fake-looking. When’s the last time you walked through some run-down [But terribly picturesque, don’t you know, Daahling!] inner city street and saw a gaggle of perfectly beautiful, immaculately clad, multi-ethnic people rolling about on sofas sharing buckets of fried chicken or crisps?… or piled into the latest hatchback for a night out together at some stylish opera? Hell! I’ve even seen “Middle-Class Multi-Ethnic Model Gang” flashing their plastic grins in delight as they share a whiskey together in some thatched pub in the fuckin’ Hebrides or somewhere -and none of the photogenically gnarled locals providing background colour seem the least bit surprised that their pub is suddenly full of Ruperts, Cecilias, Indiras, Myokos, Mgambwes and Fabrizios.
I could be wrong [It’s bound to happen some day!] Maybe I’m just not hanging about in aspirational enough company. Perhaps you and your mates feel these ads really do speak to you. Look around your circle of friends -are they cool, beautiful, middle-class and multi-ethnic enough to pass muster? Get out your checklist and tick them off. You’ll need at least one of each of the following:
- An Asian [male or female], but not too moslem looking. Stay away from burkas and large beards!
- An Oriental. Probably best sticking with a female here. There’s still too much residual wartime antipathy for the Japanese male.
- A Black ‘Un. Again you’re probably better off with a female here. We don’t want to pander to any white ‘penile inferiority’ complexes by using a bloke –Unless of course you make him a very smiley and unthreatening one!
- A Foreigner. By which of course we mean one of those odd European types. A Swarthy Italian Lothario or Blond Nordic Adonis is ideal, but try to avoid anyone too Slavic or ‘Dago-ish’
- Of course, if you really want to cover all bases, you’ll be wanting a disabled model to complete the set. But make sure he or she isn’t too unsightly. We don’t want any withered limbs or crazy ‘Blunkett Eyes’ –just perfection seated in a wheelchair or wearing dark glasses.
All sorted? Great! - Now who fancies a trip out to the annual Isle of Skye Opera and Spicy Cuisine Festival? My new sporty hatchback is parked out the front!
*[The Dickie Beasley character features in the increasingly unfunny Viz Comic and epitomises the kind of irritating cunt who springs to mind when you think of an Advertising Executive].