The Great Reconstituted Potato Snack Sexuality Test
“A learned treatise on the relationship between preferred snackfood flavouring and sexuality”

For many moons now, I’ve been working on a revolutionary new theory which states that it should be possible to deduce a person’s real sexuality from their preferred flavour of potato crisps, or their hi-tech cousins - the reconstituted corn or maize snack. This quite independently of that person’s professed sexuality.

I’ve noticed that when confronted with a choice of such titbits at the kind of swanky soireés I get invited to, most girls have a horrible predeliction for the disgustingly cheesy flavours, whilst the average red-blooded male will almost always opt for something a bit more piscine. My theory -worked out in dozens of lab books and written up on a blackboard, in a big equation with lots of greek letters in it- is that these flavour preferences are a subconscious throwback to a more primitive age, when the human race was young and genital hygeine was but a far-off dream. Then, real men reeked like a sack of cheesy wotsits and all the nice girls hummed like a skip full of scampi fries.

Unfortunately, limited funding means that I am unable to take my scientific theory any further at this stage, so I would like to appeal to my loyal readership [whoever he or she is] to click on the “Donate Now” button to the left of this article and help me with my pioneering scientific work. I’d like to launch a massive controlled experiment to prove my “Madra’s Theory of Sexual Orientation Derived Potato and Maize Snack-Food Flavour Preferences” for once and for all.

Utilising a cross-section of the British public, lured to a remote warehouse, in the guise of auditioning for some fuck-witted new reality TV show, I will usher my guinea-pigs into a large waiting room, where they will be confronted with a long trestle table, laden with a selection of potato crisps and maize or corn snacks, in glass salad bowls [the bowls may be sitting on doilies if funding permits]. A cleverly trained team of observers, disguised as pigeons and watching through binoculars from atop the roof-beams would then note carefully who chose which flavour of snack.

If the results are as I predict, most of the men will choose a fishy snack, whilst most women will opt for a cheesy alternative. These people, being then officially classifiable as “Normal” could be safely released back into society. This would then leave us with the task of diagnosing the sexuality of the remainder -or the “Sick Perves” to use official scientific terminology- and disposing of them in as humane a way as possible. To do this the following guidelines should be followed:

WOMEN Choosing

Fishy Snack: If attractive should be used in the porn industry, else should be put to work in the armed forces, prison service or as PE teachers.

Cheesy & Fishy Snack Mixture: Should be hired out to bored suburban couples wishing to spice up a jaded marriage.

Mature Cheesy Snack: Should be stationed in hotels frequented by professional footballers [Especially if they eat one of the snacks whilst shoving the other one up their fanny!]

MEN choosing

Cheesy Snack: Should be put to work as daytime TV game-show presenters, ballet dancers or hairdressers.

Cheesy Snack [small sized]: Should be inducted into the priesthood or used as scout leaders or PE teachers.

Cheesy & Fishy Snack Mixture: Should be encouraged into the pop music industry.

Unfortunately I ran out of blackboard space just as I got to the bit of my equation which dealt with those sick-minded individuals who would opt by choice for “Beef and Onion” flavour. So for now, I think it would be safest for society as a whole if anyone falling into this category was taken out the back after the experiment and had their head popped humanely, like a grape.

Just to be on the safe side!

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