24 Apr 2006
Play It Loud, Mutha-Flippa!
“Oh dear, How sad! --Kerrang's craven self-censorship”

On Sunday avvy, while idly flicking through the telly channels in the vague hope of finding something remotely watchable, I happened upon the promising sounding "Kerrang Top 100 Greatest Rock Videos of all Time". The phrase "All-Time" in this case, as with all these type of programmes, seemingly encompassing the music industry’s output from as far back in time as the previous fortnight.

As I watched the programme, presented by that drummer out of the Stereophonics and two delightfully intellectually stunted vacuous bimbos [who I am reliably informed are tabloid topless models], it didnae take too long for me to realise something was rotten in the state of Anarchy. For almost every video had been butchered and spoilt by the pointless censorship of things which wouldnae have caused Mother Theresa to bat a fucking eyelid.

Now, we’re not just talking bleeping out the odd "Fuck" or "Cunt" here, although that would have been annoying enough -No. The mighty, raunchy, fearless, in-your-face, Play it Loud, Mutha! Kerrang, pixelated out people’s hands if they gave a one [or two-fingered salute], pixelated out the bare buttocks of a man getting out of a swimming-pool and -along with every occurrence of the unbelievably naughty "F-word" and "S-word"- blanked out such threats to the moral fibre of the nation as the word "Doggy" [as in "style"] and "Nuts" [as in "feel"] in Bloodhound Gang’s ditty "Bad Touch".

Rather than having the decency to appear outraged on behalf of his fellow musicians or even hint at some kind of apology for this vandalism, the presenter resorted instead to constantly reminding us that, after that show, we could watch "Uncut, X-Rated" versions of all the videos that were "too extreme" to show in their entirety here. What?! - X-fucking-Rated?! Ex-cunting-Streme?! -Because the singer uses a four letter word that every kid over the age of about eight has heard a million times before anyway, or because the guitarist raises an index finger in the general direction of the viewer?

How craven can you get? -and since when did we here in the 51st State adopt the American policy of institutionally censoring music to protect "The Kids", lest it turn them into psychotic sociopathic killers, anyway? And if you’re going to censor music. why not the rest of The Arts, as well? I cannae wait for the "Kerrang Top 100 Greatest Artworks of All Time" featuring such classics as "Les Demoiselles d’Avignon" by Picasso -complete with pixelated breasts, or the Venus di Milo -knockers safely wrapped in a bikini top.

And speaking of knockers, how does Kerrang square the fact that the youth of today must be protected from the depravity of hearing the word "Nuts" with the hiring to co-present the show of a couple of slappers whose only claim to fame is that they get their tits out for money?

The tapping sound you can hear is Mary Whitehouse dancing a victory jig in her grave!

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