As anyone with a blog will know, one of the more amusing things you have to deal with are the constant attempts [by means of fake comments] of fuckwitted spammers to pollute your artistic genius with their semi-literate hawking of various tawdry "organ-enhancement" lotions and potions, or online card games.

In the past, these "Spamments" [I just coined that phrase - amn’t I witty?] consisted purely of dozens of links to whatever crap the spammers were peddling and were correspondingly easy to spot and delete. Of late however, the spammers have become more sophisticated - albeit in the sense that a Chav who’s learned to walk upright and added a couple of three syllable words to his vocabulary has "become more sophisiticated".

Nowadays the senders out of spamments will attempt to disguise their true identity by actually including some kind of pseudo-comment along with the 'never-to-be-clicked-upon' links. A good idea in principle, but sadly let down by the fact that these manufactured comments have to be worded in such a vague way as to be applicable to any post in any blog and also by the fact that the spammers' grasp of the English language is slightly less than perfect.

When twenty people try and comment on your posts with twenty identical grammar and spelling mistakes, even the most naive blogger might get a teensy bit suspicious. However, far be it from me to turn down any form of praise, no matter how insincerely meant. so here are some of my favourite eulogies, received over recent weeks. I’m only sorry I cannae thank you all individually [With a large lump hammer!]

"…​HI I really like your site, I place a link on my web-site, continue like that…​"

Wow! thanks. I certainly plan to continue like that. If by "continue like that" you mean "Continue deleting your spam before it even gets anywhere near appearing on the site".

"…​Your site is very cognitive. I think you will have good future…​"

Thanks. I think my site’s quite good too, but I never realised it had actually developed some kind of rudimentary intelligence. Oh and thanks also for the positive prognostications about my future. I "predict" your spam will never appear on my website.

"…​I can’t be bothered with anything these days, but such is life. I don’t care. So it goes. More or less nothing seems worth thinking about. I’ve just been hanging out waiting for something to happen, but that’s how it is…​."

Now this is sad. This is poignant. I sense a lot of suffering and despair in what you write. You seem to have a problem with low self-esteem. This is understandable, because you are a spammer and a therefore a Dingleberry attached to the Arsehole of the Internet. I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can offer in the way of comfort. Go hang yourself. -Now!

"…​I am Petra, very interesting article that contained the information I was searching for in Google, thanks…​"

Hi Petra. That’s a smashing blouse! Well, all I can say, is that if Google pointed you to this site as a source of information, then Google’s really going downhill these days!

"…​Hello there! Just want to say that I find your site enough interesting for me. Usefull information and all is good arranged. Thank you for your work. I will visit your site more ofter from now and I bookmarked it…​"<

Again, thanks. Mind you, I should point out that although this site maybe "enough interesting", it’s probably not the best place to come if you want to improve your English. I don’t mean to criticise, but some of your words are er…​ "not good arranged".

"…​Very good site. Thanks for author!…​"

My pleasure! - and to think I was in two minds about running that "Win a Charles Dickens" competition.