Woohoo! - Well, after all these years of being down on my luck it seems like things have finally taken a change for the better.

Last week I received an email notification that I’d won "Forty Million" odd Euros on the "Dutch National Lottery" [In spite of not even having bought a ticket!]. Then earlier this week I received another email telling me that I’d only gone and won the famous "El Gordo" Spanish lottery as well! -unfortunately only a measly "Four Hundred and Eighteen Thousand, Seven Hundred and Ten Euros, Forty Five Cent" [sic] this time -but still not bad considering I didnae buy a ticket for that one either! And, would you believe it, only this morning I received yet another email, this time telling me that I’d won the "Spanish Sweepstake Lottery" and a slightly more respectable round "One Million Euros". Again, an incredible stroke of luck, considering that [yes!- you’ve guessed it!] once again I hadnae even bought a ticket!

I’ve got to email the three lotteries back telling them whether or not I accept my triple windfall [Like I’m going to refuse!] and arrange to have the luvverly lolly transferred to my bank account. I’m sure there will probably be a few minor bureaucratic and administrative hoops to go through first, which will doubtless involve me sending my life savings off to someone who claims to be the legal representative of the national lottery of a major European country, but has an email address like QZRV3569@hotmail.com -but I’m sure it’ll all work out OK in the end. So tune in same time next week to read my new gold-plated blog!

The really funny thing is that there are actually fuckwitts out there who do fall for those lottery scam emails and do send their life savings off to some cunt they’ve never heard off and then come on the telly wailing and crying and complaining about how the government should have protected them. Hmmm…​. maybe by evolving a braincell or two, you could have protected yourself. Start by asking such penetrating questions as "Why would the national lottery of a European country pick an email address at random off the internet to award millions of Euros in prize money to, rather than sharing it out amongst the people of that country who actually bought fucking lottery tickets in the first place?"

Personally I think these internet scams provide a valuable public service in separating morons and retards from their money -before they’ve a chance to spend it on things like moving to a bigger house and breeding more half-witted Spam Dupes.