THE SEX THERAPISTS TV SHOW
Interior. A TV studio. Our viewpoint should be as if we are watching the show on television. A middle-aged couple stand behind a desk or podium. Behind them on the wall [or emblazoned across the front of the desk/podium] is the show’s title: “THE LOVE DOCTORS”. The couple are stereotypically American; fake orange tans, huge fluorescent white teeth and too much jewellery. The man is fat and the woman has that anorexic look with a scrawny leathery neck like a tortoise […Mutton Dressed as Lamb, in other words].
MAN Hi there! - I’m Grover Zee Humstein [Pause] And this little hottie [Gestures at the woman, who simpers] is my lovely wife Emmylou.
EMMYLOU [Waving and grinning] Hi y’all! [Audience applause - which both bask in for a few seconds]
GROVER We’d like to welcome y’all. We’ve got a great show lined up for you folks this week where, as usual we’ll be showin’ the studio audience and all you good people at home that…[Cups a hand to his ear expectantly as if encouraging audience]
AUDIENCE [Shouting in unison - it is obviously a catchphrase] SEX CAN BE FUN!!!
GROVER Ha! Ha! - You said it! [turns to Emmylou] So, Honey. What have we got for these good folks this time around?
EMMYLOU Well, Grover Baby. Why don’t we find out how [Making quote signs] …Fantasy and Imagination can help add a like totally new dimension to a couple’s love-making
GROVER OK, honey. Let’s party! [Applause from audience]
[Emmylou ducks out of sight underneath the desk/podium and we hear the noise of a zip being undone and then the buzzing of flies]
GROVER So, while Emmylou’s making herself comfortable down there, let me talk to you about [Making quote signs] …Fantasy and Imagination [Brief pause] Now. Like any red-blooded Good Ol’ Boy, there ain’t nothin’ I like better’n gettin’ some great head off my li’l lady. Why! it’s as American as Grandma’s Apple Pie!
EMMYLOU [OOV - Mumbling as if speaking with her mouth full] And tastes just as good!
GROVER Ha! Ha! - That’s right Honey [Pause - slightly sadly] But you know how it is guys? - Sometimes you just get [Pause] Heck! - kinda bored watchin’ that same ol’ pair of earrings swingin’ back an’ forth either side your wiener.
EMMYLOU [OOV - Mumbling as if speaking with her mouth full] Aw! - Poor Baby!
GROVER Well, guys. Those are the times when [Making quote signs] …Fantasy and Imagination can bring that ol’ sparkle right back.
EMMYLOU [OOV - Mumbling as if speaking with her mouth full] Uh-huh!
GROVER The great thing about [Making quote signs] …Fantasy and Imagination is that, by employin’ this easily learned technique, you can literally make love to anyone in the world - livin’ or dead - who arouses you sexual-wise.
[enthusiastic gasps of astonishment and whoops of delight from the audience]
GROVER Today I’m goin’ to [Making quote signs] ‘fantasise’ that I’m makin’ love to one of my all-time favourite physicists. [audience applause] OK honey! - Do your thing! [He closes his eyes and adopts a dreamy expression]
GROVER [Ecstatically] Oh yeah! That’s good! Now, that’s real goo-oood! [the podium/desk begins to shake slightly - Grover grips it]
GROVER [Ecstatically] Oh yeah! - NOO-ton! NOO-ton! [podium/desk trembles more violently]
GROVER [Higher pitched even more ecstatic] Ooohhhh! NOOO-ton!! NOOO-ton!! [podium/desk is bucking and rattling like it’s about to take off]
GROVER [Practically screaming] NOOOOOO-ton!!!!! NOOOOO-ton!!!!! [Desk/podium abruptly stops shaking]
GROVER [Orgasmic] Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! [Sound of zip being done up]
[Emmylou appears from under the desk to stand beside Grover again. Her bouffant hair is all lopsided [ie. it was a wig] and her lipstick is comically smeared all over her face. She dabs delicately at the side of her mouth with a lace hankie.]
GROVER [Enthusiastic] Wow! - That was just great, Honey!
EMMYLOU Thank you, Baby! [Turns to look into camera] Well, folks. I’m afraid, that’s the end of another show… [Disappointed groans from audience]
EMMYLOU [Cont’d]…But we sure hope we’ve given you some fresh ideas how to put that zing back into your love-making. [Pause] Because, remember…[Cups a hand to her ear expectantly as if encouraging audience]
AUDIENCE [Shouting in unison] SEX CAN BE FUN!!!
BOTH [Laugh and wave as credits roll]
PRODUCER [OOV] CUT! - OK. That’s a wrap, folks! [Our viewpoint switches so that we’re now standing ‘in the sidelines’ in the studio rather than, as previously, watching from the TV viewer’s point of view. Grover and Emmylou take off their microphones and walk off set and towards us]
GROVER [Attempts to put his arm round Emmylou] Great show, Honey!…
EMMYLOU [Pushing him away crossly - Incredulous] EYE-saac NOO-ton?!! - You got the hots for EYE-saac godamm NOO-ton?!!
GROVER [Trying to put his arm round her again] But, Honey I ….[Emmylou walks forward past us and therefore out of shot. We are left looking at a disconsolate Grover who is shrugging his shoulders and giving us a ‘What did I do wrong?’ look.]
EMMYLOU [OOV] Somebody fix me a large Scotch. I gotta rinse my goddam mouth out!