It takes a special kind of fuckwitt to come up with a programme idea which combines elements of unoriginality, political-correctness and Americanisation in such a haddock-stinking way that I truly thought this was an early April Fool’s joke, when I stumbled upon it on the BBC’s website.

For what you are looking at here, dear reader, is none other than Enid Blyton’s Famous Five, given a 21st Century makeover, for a new cartoon series on the Disney Channel.

Yep. gone are the baggy shorts and public schoolboy haircuts. The new 'kewl' Famous Five sport t-shirts, jeans & trainers and tote iPods, laptops and mobile phones. And of course one of them is now 'Ethnic'. This bunch of groovers are apparently the offspring of the original Famous Five.

Gang leader 'Jo' [short for 'Jyoti' obviously!] is the 'Asian Babe' fruit of the loins of 'Aunt George' and some Indian bloke she met while trekking through The Himalayas. Now, given that every single person who grew up on the original Enid Blyton books had a sudden post-puberty realisation that 'Tomboy' George was actually a euphemism for 'Tuppence-licker' George, Jyoti’s conception seems a bit unlikely in the first place. But we are assured that like her 'Aunt George' [why is her mum called 'Aunt George'?], Jo is a bit of a tomboy too. So apparently it is 'nature not nurture' after all!

As if this were not bad enough, the inevitable sop to the American market has also been made; Anne’s daughter is 'Allie' , a 'Californian shopaholic who enjoys going out and getting glammed up' and, naturally has a whining american voice that could cut glass. Complementing Jo and Britney er…​ 'Allie', are the replacement boy characters Julian and Dick’s sons, 'Max' and [I kid you not] 'Dylan'. Timmy the dog has been re-incarnated as another 'Timmy' but he’s also been given the Hollywood treatment - looking less like the original scruffy Irish Wolfhound-esque dog depicted in the illustrations for the 1940s books and more like the anthropomorphisised dogs from Disney’s other cartoons. Although, thankfully he apparently hasnae mastered the art of speech [yet!] …​.or started wearing a hat!

According to the makers of the cartoon "…​We spoke to Enid Blyton’s daughter and she thought her mother would love what we have done…​" from which I can only conclude that said daughter also presumes her mother would love having her grave shat on.

The revolving sound you can hear…​ etc.