Laying into the advertising industry is a bit like kicking a dead man with two sets of knackers - not much of a challenge and plenty to aim for. But, what the Hell. It’s the Easter holidays and I’m entitled to take things easy. So today, children let’s contemplate one of the three or four ideas which are currently afoot and endlessly re-hashed in advert-land, the 'Question as Slogan':

You know the ones I mean? Those adverts where the strapline at the end asks you a question; 'How do you eat yours?', 'What’s in your wallet?', 'What’s yours called?', 'Where will you go in yours?'…​ blah blah blah…​ and so on in an unending tedious tide of unoriginality.

Whenever I see one of these 'questioning' slogans, I cannae help but picture in my mind, the 'Creative Team [irony intended] Meeting', where the fuck-headed gang of dross-peddlars first come up with this sad, futile concept:

[All dialogue to be read in a suitably grating 'South California meets South London' drawl]

SUIT01: I say we finish the campaign with the slogan 'How do you wipe yours?'

SUIT02: Go on Derek.

SUIT01: Thanks Steve. You see we want to engage with the customer. We really want them to question their relationship with the product. We’re inviting them to start an inner dialogue and really quantify the place that 'Shit-O-Wipe' has in their life.

SUIT03: I like it!

SUIT01: Glad to have you on board, Kevin. Now by opening this inner dialogue, the customer is embarking on a mental journey. It’s a voyage of discovery, where the customer gets to really discover what Shit-O-Wipe means to them; 'How do I wipe mine?'. We’re letting the customer build a one-to-one relationship with our product. And once they’ve done that, they’re never going to leave us…​

[And so on]

I’m sure the fucktards do seriously believe that folks sit round after one of these idea vacuums has been broadcast; deep in thought about their 'relationship' with the product or engaged in one of those jolly middle-class multi-ethnic smiley banter sessions which advertisers seem to think constitutes family life; "Mum looks at the paper, after she’s wiped!"…​ "Dad’s finger always goes through!" …​ "Little Jimmy smears the chocolate all up his back!"

Well, sorry chaps. the only 'questioning' I ever do, when the fucking adverts come on, is wondering where the Hell I’ve left the remote control, so I can mute the bastard telly.

Television - how do you put your foot through yours?