Fresh from suffering a twat-ful of overpaid Hollywood superstars crying into their onion-filled hankies at the weekend, the world of showbiz was again rocked to its very foundations yesterday, as the who’s who [or should that be who?…​ who?..] of animation gathered in The Manchester College’s infamous Room 222 for the inaugural Golden Doll Awards.

From the outset, controversy was in the air, as plucky South African cheerleader Zack Esterhuizen led a people’s revolt, clamouring for the awards to be renamed the stíobharts, in honour of the world’s greatest living half-wit. However, a shocked audience looked on in dismay as this democratic voice of the people was rejected outright by ceremony host Alex Jackson, plainly outraged at the burgeoning popularity of her co-lecturer.

Altogether, five awards were up for grabs:

Winners to be voted for by the audience, during a marathon screening of all first and second year work this term to date.

As well as the adulation of their peers [for what that’s worth], each winner would take home a Golden Doll stíobhart --a statuette hewn from finest gold which is then, for insurance purposes, cunningly covered in a thin veneer of crappy looking wood and a hastily applied coat of yellow paint.

With the stench of prawn cocktail and cheese’n’onion flavoured popcorn in the air and the tense air of expectation punctuated only by the burps and farts of a roomful of fizzy lemonade slugging students, the screening began. The audience were treated to a range of animations in a variety of styles and formats and the almost three hours passed by quickly, borne on a sea of appreciative applause.

Screening over, the audience votes were collected in and carefully collated by the compères, who then repaired to the pub at the invitation of a small group of the award nominees, in the [vain as it turned out] hope that alcoholic bribery might ensue.

Whistles wetted, everyone reconvened at Room 222 once more to witness the award ceremony proper. Proceedings got off to a horrifying start as a clearly drunk and disorderly Vikki Roberts flung her handbag at the chest of the people’s hero, stíobhart matulevicz. Fortunately “Old Iron Balls” was able to avoid '` doing a Schofield’ by dint of using his genitalia to deflect the incoming missile and, with the aid of a cattle prod, Ms. Roberts was ushered back to her seat to sober up.

Order restored, the awards were er…​ ‘awarded’ as follows:

Best Newcomer --Andrew Green

Most Entertaining Animation – Christophe Richards [Christophe is currently undergoing treatment for Marmite addiction at the Betty Ford clinic, so his award was accepted on his behalf by Wojciech Wanczyk]

Best Looking Animation --Vikki Roberts

Best Storyline --Rehan Hussain

Team Award --Scopemotions.

Unfortunately the task of taking the photograph of the victorious Scopemations team fell to rival team captain, Zack who ‘completely accidentally’ managed to not manage to frame any of the Scopemations team members in the shot. Instead, here is a rendition of the team, taken from their animation.

All in all, a fun day was had by all and this will hopefully become an annual event. The management at Mancol Towers thank you for your participation, wish you a safe journey home and bid you remember this is a residential area, so please keep the drunken celebratory singing to a considerate level, on your way home.