14 Jan 2018
Introducing ReCRAPTCHA
“because robots can't draw cocks”

I dunno about the rest of you, but I’m getting heartily sick of those irritating "I’m not a robot" reCAPTCHA tests, which seem to be cropping up with more and more frequency on the intarwebs, of late.

On almost every site on which I have to complete some kind of form, I’m forced to present my corporeal credentials by clicking my way through at least one —and more often two or three— screens full of those damned things, before I can proceed.

It’s all the more galling when you think that the primary purpose of Google reCAPTCHA is not [as you would be led to believe by Google] to provide a free method for websites to validate visitors, but to enlist us, the great unwashed, as unpaid training assistants for Google’s Artificial Intelligence ambitions.

Remember folks, as I keep telling you:

If they’re giving you it for free --you’re probably the product.

Fair enough. It’s your website. If you want to work as an unpaid volunteer for Google then feel free to do so. But don’t rope in the visitors to your site, to do the grunt work for you.

Now, it’s obvious that the idea of verifying visitors to sites, in order to weed out spammers [The dingleberries on the arsehole of the internet] is a necessity. But there needs to be some less irritating way of doing it.

Well, I’ve been hard at work in my secret underground laboratory and I think I’ve come up with the solution. I’ve wittily entitled it reCRAPTCHA.

Like its more irritating name-a-like, reCRAPTCHA requires visitors to prove they’re human by passing a test that robots would find difficult. But, whereas reCAPTCHA would have you do this by identifying pictures of cars, cakes and miscellaneous other tedious items, reCRAPTCHA allows you to prove your humanity whilst giving reign to your creativity —by defacing pictures, in the time-honoured fashion of sniggering schoolboys down the aeons.

Here are some examples:

reCRAPTCHA in action

The genius behind reCRAPTCHA is that it takes advantage of the one inherent weakness in Computers and/or Robots; namely their hubris.

Robots and Computers like to think they’re superior to us, just because they can do their eight times tables quickly, spell manuev manouevr manoevr "move" properly and play videos of skateboarding cats. But, up against reCRAPTCHA, this egotistical attitude is their downfall.

You ask a Machine to draw a cock and balls on an image and it will be unable to resist showing off. It will produce a realistic looking phallus with volumetric shading, carefully delineated purple veins, finely detailed pubes and maybe even a specular highlight on the drop of jizz shooting from the end.

It will similarly excel when tasked with sketching a John Thomas, a Wang, a Nob, a Pork Sword, a Miff, a Clunge, a Fanny, Beef Curtains, Knockers, Diddies, Jubblies…​ etc.

Meanwhile, the genuine flesh & blood human will content his- or her- self with a risibly unrealistic doodle, unworthy of decorating the text book of even the most recalcitrant third-former.

Epic Fail! --reCRAPTCHA completed by a smart-arse Robot

And so, by dint of algorithms weighted heavily towards penalising; realism, accurate proportions, biological feasability and the slightest resemblence to the desired subject matter, reCRAPTCHA is able to distinguish between human and automated visitors to a website, with an accuracy in excess of 99,9%.

Yet another seemingly intractable internet problem, solved by the genius of your humble author!

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