Holy fuckin' jodhpur! --Will I ever be free of the brain dissolving fuckwittery that is dealing with the customer service departments of American mega-corporations?!
Yes, folks. I’m afraid it’s another one of those posts! I sometimes think there’s a secret conspiracy underway by the 'Collected Mega-Corporations of America' to drive me slowly insane, by exposure to what they laughingly call 'Customer Service'. Dealing with these… I was going to say 'monkeys' but that’s an insult to our simian cousins. Maybe 'plankton' would be better… plankton, I can’t help but wonder what the qualifications actually are for working in customer service for one of these huge American companies. Are there any?
BACKGROUND
First a wee noggin of background, before I begin tonight’s episode of 'Fuckwitts – The Director’s Cut'. I have [had!] 3 accounts with Amazon, which I used for personal shopping, for business shopping and for selling on Amazon Merch and Amazon Handmade. Let’s call them personal@mydomain.com, business@mydomain.com and seller@mydomain.com.
OK? On with the show:
Back at the beginning of October, I was logged into Amazon [I thought] with my business@mydomain.com account. An impression reinforced by the fact that, when logged into my business account there are always ads for Business Prime at the top of the page and I was seeing these.
Since I think I’ve used my Amazon Business account once in the many years I’ve had it and it’s annoying to be browsing for something to buy and then realise you’re logged into the wrong account, I decided to delete the business account. So I chose the appropriate option from the menu and clicked through the 'Are You Sure' and confirmation email link.
Only later, when I went to login to my Seller account and got a 'Who the fuck are you? dialogue, did I realise my error. I’d deleted my seller account by mistake. Proving, if nothing else that even the cleverest man in the known universe can have his off days!
Anyway, I got straight onto Amazon Customer Support to see if there was any way to reverse deletion of my seller account and, if not, to find out what would happen to all my products listed on Merch and Handmade. And here the fun begins!…
DING! DING! ROUND ONE!
I first tried Amazon’s chat support and, encountered my first copy/paste merchant. Unfortunately I don’t have a record of that conversation as Amazon don’t furnish you with a transcript afterwards. But the upshot was that, after being passed between two different customer support workers, I was told that my problem was too hot to handle for the lowly chat monkeys and would have to be passed on to a higher up chimpanzee, who would email me "within 48 hours".
Needless to say, no email was received. Not in 48 hours. Not in about a week afterwards. So back onto customer support chat again, where I went through the tedium of repeating my predicament. Although since, by now, a week had passed, I was more interested in finding out what would happen to my products which were then [and still are, at the date of writing this post] for sale on Amazon:
HANDMADE: https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=madra.net&i=handmade
MERCH: https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?rh=n%3A83450031%2Cp_4%3Amadra.net
THE BOY MATULEVICZ COMES BACK FOR MORE
This time the person I chatted to took my phone number and said someone would call me. Which [miraculously!] actually happened. I spoke to a girl from Amazon on the phone who confirmed that there was no way to un-delete my seller account. Which was fair enough. I should have double-checked before mashing the big red Do Not Press button. When I pointed out that my 'stuff' was still for sale, she assured me that it would all be automatically deleted but might take "a day or two" for the system to catch up. Again. Fair enough.
Meantime, I created a new Amazon account, re-using that old seller@mydomain.com email address and re-applied for Merch and Handmade, with an inner sigh at the thought of having to re-upload all my designs again using Amazon’s tortuously shite uploader, which is so bad it almost makes Zazzle’s seem well designed!
Anyway, as I say, that was at the beginning of October.
Fast forward to earlier this week when, out of idle curiosity, I checked Amazon again and found that all my products were still listed for sale. I should also point out that, in the meantime, I got rejected by both Merch and Handmade with my new application. Which is odd, given I’d been selling on both for several years previously,
So, given I was now persona non grata on both Merch and Handmade, it was time to take steps to stop them from selling my designs and products. Seeing as I couldn’t collect any royalties on the designs sold by Merch and wouldn’t be able to fulfil any of the orders on Handmade.
And this is were Amazon Customer Service took things to a mind-boggling new level of insanity and total incompetence. Settle back in your favourite armchair and grab a refreshing drink and enjoy this effortless exhibition of brain-dead incompetence.
IN WHICH OUR HERO FEELS HIS BRAIN SLOWLY DISSOLVE
I sent an email to merch-sellers-contactus@amazon.com and to seller-handmade@amazon.co.uk, asking them to remove my products from sale. Both emails were essentially the same, apart from referencing Merch or Handmade as appropriate. So I’ll just include the one and you can extrapolate the other:
Subject: Please Remove my Products from Handmade From: stíobhart matulevicz <seller@mydomain.com> Date: 28/10/2022, 20:11 To: Seller-handmade@amazon.co.uk
Hi.
A few weeks ago, I accidentally deleted the Amazon account I used to use for Handmade [seller@mydomain.com]. I had meant to delete my Amazon business account [business@mydomain.com] but didn’t realise I was logged into the wrong account at the time. Anyway, that’s beside the point:
I contacted customer support and was told there was no way to 'un-delete' my Handmade account. In spite of this, my Handmade products from before are still on sale on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=madra.net&i=handmade
Can you please remove all my products from Handmade as I am no longer part of the Handmade programme and consequently no longer have access to the account to fulfil orders / manage inventory / etc.
Thanks.
stíobhart matulevicz.
Next day I received a reply from Handmade and the first subtle indication that this was about to become a descent into Kafka-esque hell
Subject: RE:[CASE 8108170662] [UNVERIFIED SENDER] Please Remove my Products from Handmade From: Amazon Seller Support <merch.service05@amazon.co.uk> Date: 29/10/2022, 02:25 To: seller@mydomain.com
Hello from Amazon Selling Partner Support,
We understand your concern with regards to the issue you are facing with the Handmade account which is deleted and you want to remove products from website. We understand the importance this case has to you and we would be glad to help you through it. We acknowledge your frustration and please accept our sincere apologies for the inconvenience caused to you as you had to contact us multiple times regarding this issue. We will definitely assist you on this case.
Unfortunately, we were unable to relate a selling account for the email address from which you sent your message, seller@mydomain.com.
We understand that people use multiple email addresses, but for account confidentiality reasons we cannot release account information to an email address other than the one associated with your Amazon account. Resend your message using that email address so that we may assist you better. If any seller account is closed/terminated the listings in that account will no longer be available for sale on website.
Since we do not relate any account with email seller@mydomain.com ,we will not be able to make any changes or share any account information.
We appreciate your cooperation and understanding in this regard. Please let us know how we did. Were you satisfied with the support provided?
Thank you for selling with Amazon.
Naveed A.
Amazon.co.uk Seller Support
I sent off a reply:
Subject: Re: [CASE 8108170662] [UNVERIFIED SENDER] Please Remove my Products from Handmade From: stíobhart matulevicz <seller@mydomain.com> Date: 28/10/2022, 20:44 To: Seller-handmade@amazon.co.uk
Hi.
I already told you in my previous email that I had closed the seller account. So that is why there you "were unable to relate a selling account for the email address from which you sent your message, seller@mydomain.com."
Honestly. Do you people EVER read what you get sent, before sending your automated copy/paste replies? If I still had access to the account I’d be able to remove my products myself, wouldn’t I? --and wouldn’t be asking you to do it.
stíobhart matulevicz
I got an even more lunatic reply from Merch:
Subject: RE:[CASE 11134384811] [en_US] [Account: 5010392510] General Questions From: "merch-byamazon-contactus@amazon.com" <merch-byamazon- contactus@amazon.com> Date: 28/10/2022, 17:54 To: seller@mydomain.com
Hello from Amazon Selling Partner Support,
Thank you for your interest in Amazon Merch on Demand, my name is Charm and I will be assisting you the best I can today.
I understand you have designs still showing listed on Amazon, however, this account was rejected and never actually active. We are not showing any designs ever uploaded via this account, as it was rejected before becoming active.
I do see that you have added a link, however, there is nothing listed at that link. If your application to Amazon Merch on Demand was rejected, there is currently no path to reapplying.
While there is no further information we’re able to share at this time, please know that we do value your feedback and will pass it on to the relevant team for their consideration. We thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to us and encourage you to check out other selling options on Amazon here: https://sell.amazon.com/?ref_=asus_soa_rd&; While there is currently no way to achieve what you are trying to accomplish, We appreciate your interest in selling your product with us. Please let us know how we did. Were you satisfied with the support provided?
Best regards,
Charmaine J.
Amazon Developer Support
Note. I’m deleting some boiler plate from the Amazon responses. But I’m sure you can imagine the kind of meaningless "We love you so much" tripe that these corporations love to stick on the end of their idiot emails, as if that cancels out the infuriating shite they wrote above.
Time for another reply from wee me:
Subject: Re: [CASE 11134384811] [en_US] [Account: 5010392510] General Questions From: stíobhart matulevicz <personal@mydomain.com> Date: 29/10/2022, 11:29 To: "merch-byamazon-contactus@amazon.com" <merch-byamazon-contactus@amazon.com>
Hi.
I feel like I’m going round in circles here!
"I understand you have designs still showing listed on Amazon, however, this account was rejected and never actually active. We are not showing any designs ever uploaded via this account, as it was rejected before becoming active."
Yes. That’s because, after I accidentally deleted my Merch account [seller@mydomain.com] and realised what I had done, I created a new Amazon account using the same [seller@mydomain.com] email address and applied for Merch again. So while the new [seller@mydomain.com] account was never actually active as a Merch seller, there was a previous Merch account with this [seller@mydomain.com] email address, which was my now closed Merch account and which still has products listed for sale. Please check your records.
If it helps you with finding the previously closed Merch account that was associated with this [seller@mydomain.com] email address, I have several emails sent to me from 'merchby@amzon.com' in the past relating to that account, which had what looks like a reference number in the subject line: 'to:~WF_ADHOC-201989344' which I presume was my previous Merch account ID. I’ve attached a screengrab of one of those.
"I do see that you have added a link, however, there is nothing listed at that link."
This is simply not the case. I have checked again this morning and when I search for my brand name 'madra.net' I get 9 pages of my products returned:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?rh=n%3A83450031%2Cp_4%3Amadra.net
I have attached screengrabs, showing the first of these 9 pages of results, plus screengrabs showing my items for sale, with the brand name clearly visible.
Can you please either deal with this matter properly or put me in contact with someone who actually has the ability to do so. I have so far contacted Amazon support; once by chat, once by phone, once by web form and now three times by email trying to resolve this and I just keep getting the same copy/paste answers in reply, telling me that there is no Merch account associated with this email address, when the first thing I’ve told you each time is that I am contacting you about a previous Merch account, which used this email address --not a current Merch account!
stíobhart matulevicz
And I attached the following screengrabs showing my products quite plainly for sale on Amazon:
A few hours later another reply from Merch customer support.
[Actually, pretty much all of the dialogue was with Merch. I wasn’t so bothered about my Handmade items still being listed for sale, as I post [posted!] them out myself. So there’s no loss to me there, if an order comes in. I just won’t receive it [and I get more sales on Etsy for that stuff, anyway]. However, with the Merch products, as they are print -on-demand, Amazon could still continue selling them and I would be deprived of my commission on each design sold.]
Subject: [UNVERIFIED SENDER] Re: [CASE 11134384811] [en_US] [Account: 5010392510] General Questions From: "merch-byamazon-contactus@amazon.com" <merch-byamazon- contactus@amazon.com> Date: 29/10/2022, 17:26 To: personal@mydomain.com
Hello from Amazon Selling Partner Support,
Thank you for your inquiry, my name is Melissa and I am happy to assist.
We cannot approve every application and we will not be able to provide specifics on rejected applications as this would compromise our application process. I understand this may be disappointing news and for that please accept my sincere apologies. If your application to Amazon Merch on Demand was rejected, there is no path to reapply. While there is no further information we are able to share at this time, please know that we do value your feedback and will pass it on to the relevant team for their consideration. We appreciate your interest in the Amazon Merch on Demand program and encourage you to check out other selling options on Amazon:
https://services.amazon.com/content/sell-on-amazon.html https://www.amazon.com/b?node=11032013011 https://services.amazon.com/handmade/handmade.html/ref=as_cn_ags
We appreciate your understanding regarding this matter. Please let us know how we did. Were you satisfied with the support provided?
Best regards,
Melissa S.
Amazon Developer Support
That was the best one yet. I write asking them to stop selling my designs on Merch and get a reply telling me there’s no point asking them to reconsider their rejection of my application to join the Merch programme!
Time for another reply. Are you enjoying reading my increasing frustration with each round of this insanity?
Subject: Re: [UNVERIFIED SENDER] Re: [CASE 11134384811] [en_US] [Account: 5010392510] General Questions From: stíobhart matulevicz <personal@mydomain.com> Date: 29/10/2022, 17:41 To: "merch-byamazon-contactus@amazon.com" <merch-byamazon-contactus@amazon.com>
Dear god. What are you actually on about? I never asked for my Merch account to be approved. I’ve been repeatedly asking you. [For the 7th or 8th time now!] to remove the products of mine which you still have on sale from when I previously had a Merch account. If this is beyond your comprehension [which it seems it is] can you pass this correspondence on to someone with the necessary cognitive capacity to respond to what I’m actually writing to you about.
stíobhart matulevicz
Another brief wait and then another response from Fuckwitt Central. Aficionados of 'Extreme Torture by Support Email' will notice the sadistic mastery with which Amazon customer support ensures that every response comes from a different person. So you can never actually establish any kind of dialogue with one support person, but must continually re-state your case to a procession of half-wits, who have patently not read any of the previous correspondence:
Subject: [UNVERIFIED SENDER] Re: [UNVERIFIED SENDER] Re: [CASE 11134384811] [en_US] [Account: 5010392510] General Questions From: "merch-byamazon-contactus@amazon.com" <merch-byamazon- contactus@amazon.com> Date: 29/10/2022, 19:57To: personal@mydomain.com
Hello from Amazon Selling Partner Support,
Thank you for reaching back out to us.
This is Joseph from the Seller Support team with Amazon Merch on Demand. I understand you previously had an a Merch Account that was closed, but your designs are still active. We understand your concerns, but unfortunately there isn’t any specific information or action we are able to provide in this case. We understand that you may be disappointed with the outcome of your case. However, our records indicate that this decision is final. Thank you for your understanding on this issue. Please let us know how we did. Were you satisfied with the support provided?
Best regards,
Joseph P.
Amazon Developer Support
I thought the previous email had reached a pinnacle of irrelevance and uselessness. But this one took it to a whole new level. I’m almost grudgingly impressed that someone has managed to land what is presumably a paid employment, with this ability to not actually address anything about the original support request. At least some of the previous planks formulated some kind of response --even if it wasn’t to the question asked.
Time to reply again:
Subject: Re: [UNVERIFIED SENDER] Re: [UNVERIFIED SENDER] Re: [CASE 11134384811] [en_US] [Account: 5010392510] General Questions From: stíobhart matulevicz <personal@mydomain.com> Date: 29/10/2022, 21:12 To: "merch-byamazon-contactus@amazon.com" <merch-byamazon-contactus@amazon.com>
What on earth do you mean "there isn’t any specific information or action we are able to provide in this case."? You’re selling my designs on Merch and, as I no longer have a Merch account or any way to receive royalties for any designs that sell, you are doing so without my permission. I am TELLING you, not asking, to remove my designs from Amazon. You no longer have permission to sell my designs. So please withdraw them immediately.
stíobhart matulevicz
As I’ve snipped the boilerplate from the end of the Amazon replies, I should also mention that each email from them also has a line at the end:
Please do not reply to this email. To respond to us again about this issue, please use the following link: ---
Said link [of course!] being to an internal page, behind a login, on their Merch section. Which I can’t access because I don’t have a fucking Merch account.
Utter, utter morons!
That brought forth another response from yet another support person. Assuming of course these are real people and not just the same fuckwitt adopting a different name each time. It’s hard to believe that so many brain-dead halfwits could be assembled in one place, at one time. But you never know:
Subject: [UNVERIFIED SENDER] Re: [UNVERIFIED SENDER] Re: [UNVERIFIED SENDER] Re: [CASE 11134384811] [en_US] [Account: 5010392510] General Questions From: "merch-byamazon-contactus@amazon.com" <merch-byamazon- contactus@amazon.com> Date: 29/10/2022, 21:18 To: personal@mydomain.com
Hello from Amazon Selling Partner Support,
Your listing were all closed when your account was closed. If there are active listing that you believe are using a IP that they do not have the right owners permission to use you can report it to Amazon using our online form. This form is intended for use by intellectual property rights owners and their agents to notify Amazon of alleged intellectual property infringements such as copyright and trademark concerns.
US: https://www.amazon.com/report/infringement
UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/report/infringement
Germany: https://www.amazon.de/report/infringement?language=de_DE
FR: https://www.amazon.fr/report/infringement
IT: https://www.amazon.it/report/infringement
ES: https://www.amazon.es/report/infringement
JP: https://www.amazon.co.jp/report/infringementThe form does not support scripts or third party browser extensions. By completing the form at the link above you can ensure the right team handles your case. Please let us know how we did. Were you satisfied with the support provided?
Best regards,
Matthew G.
Amazon Developer Support
So now they’re inviting me to report that someone else is using my designs without my permission on Merch, when I’ve already told them til I’m blue in the typing finger that they’re MY designs which Amazon are still selling, in spite of the fact they should have been deleted when I closed my seller account.
By now my head felt like my brain had been put through a blender. But I thought I’d give it one last go, before going on a killing rampage at Amazon HQ:
Subject: Re: [UNVERIFIED SENDER] Re: [UNVERIFIED SENDER] Re: [UNVERIFIED SENDER] Re: [CASE 11134384811] [en_US] [Account: 5010392510] General Questions From: stíobhart matulevicz <personal@mydomain.com> Date: 29/10/2022, 21:34 To: "merch-byamazon-contactus@amazon.com" <merch-byamazon-contactus@amazon.com>
The listings are not "IP that they do not have the right owners permission to use". They are my own listings under my own brand name [madra.net]. Quite clearly they were not closed when I closed my account. There are 9 pages of my products still for sale on Amazon.
I’ve already sent screengrabs earlier in this correspondence showing this. Will you PLEASE take note of what I’m actually telling you and act on it, instead of constantly replying with irrelevances. I attach [once again!] screenshots, showing my listings with my brand name, on sale on Amazon today. Please remove them.
stíobhart matulevicz
And, as mentioned in the email, I attached the screengrabs again, showing MY products with MY brand name, still for sale on Amazon. Once again, I might as well have stuck pins in my eyes:
Subject: [UNVERIFIED SENDER] Re: [UNVERIFIED SENDER] Re: [UNVERIFIED SENDER] Re: [UNVERIFIED SENDER] Re: [CASE 11134384811] [en_US] [Account: 5010392510] General Questions From: "merch-byamazon-contactus@amazon.com" <merch-byamazon- contactus@amazon.com> Date: 29/10/2022, 21:45 To: personal@mydomain.com
Hello from Amazon Selling Partner Support,
My name is Casey; I’m a Selling Partner Support Representative, and I’m more than glad to assist you with your case today. Based on the information provided, we understand that you would like to the deletion of your designs from your merch account.
I can see how this is causing frustration and the impact this has on your business. Please understand the email you are contacting us from is showing an active account or application within our system.
I understand you are seeing your designs still live on Amazon after your account has been closed. Please understand after an account is closed we are unable to access it, all account data is deleted. Therefore we recommend you report it to Amazon using our online form. Since Seller Support is unable to take down these designs you can input the request for the take down of your own designs by following the links below.
US: https://www.amazon.com/report/infringement
UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/report/infringement
Germany: https://www.amazon.de/report/infringement?language=de_DE
FR: https://www.amazon.fr/report/infringement
IT: https://www.amazon.it/report/infringement
ES: https://www.amazon.es/report/infringement
JP: https://www.amazon.co.jp/report/infringementIf you have concerns about your report or further questions, you can email to copyright@amazon.com. This will ensure the right team handles your case. We recognize that this is not the result that you were hoping for, but we want you to know that we did our best to provide you with the correct information based on our current guidelines. Your cooperation and understanding is highly appreciated. Have a great day!
Please let us know how we did. Were you satisfied with the support provided?
Best regards,
Casey M.
Amazon Developer Support
For anyone who’s thinking. "Well, why don’t you just report your own designs as infringing then?" I suggest you take a look at that 'report infringement' form that 'Casey M' linked to in his email above. The form has 18 separate pieces of information that Amazon want [including the individual Amazon product number] and you need to fill in the form for every single product. You can’t just say 'remove all products sold under my brand name'. And there’s a separate form to visit for each country your Merch stuff is sold on.
Last time I used Merch, I had somewhere around 270 or 280 products for sale. So, according to Amazon, the only way I can stop them selling my designs is by filling in an 18 question form 270 or 280 times and, as my Merch products are sold on various Amazon sites, I’m expected to be able to fill it in in English, German, French, Italian, Spanish and Japanese!
You’ll also notice that exquisite "The form does not support scripts or third party browser extensions…." in the first email I was sent with these 'report infringement' links. So that’s another nice twist of the knife. 'We expect you to fill in this long form, in 6 different languages, almost 300 times. but don’t you dare trying to use anything that automates the process!"
At this stage, I decided to throw in the towel. There comes a point, when dealing with the terminally educationally sub-normal, when you’ve just got to walk away, just in case congenital idiocy is contagious and you can catch it off a keyboard.
Before I went off to dunk my head in a vat of cold water, I thought I’d make a gesture --futile as I knew it would be-- and send an email to complaints@amazon.co.uk. I compiled the above correspondence in a PDF and sent it along with an email outlining my tale of woe and closed with:
…I am attaching the [ongoing!] correspondence from the past couple of days. Please take the time to read it and reflect upon whether or not any reasonable person would find this level of customer support acceptable…
Well, there are as yet undiscovered tribes in the depths of the Amazonian Rain Forest who can guess what happened next. A few minutes after I sent my email to 'complaints' I got this in return:
Subject: Amazon UK - Important Information About Your Recent Email From: Amazon.co.uk <no-reply@amazon.co.uk> Date: 29/10/2022, 22:51To: stíobhart matulevicz <seller@mydomain.com>
Hello from Amazon,
You’ve written to an address that is not currently accepting incoming e-mails. You may prefer to visit our help pages or contact us via chat online. Our customer service associates are working hard right now to respond as quickly as possible via our chat online here. You can find answers to common questions by searching http://www.amazon.co.uk/help or reach out to us by clicking contact us at the bottom of any Help page.
So, as with Twatter [see previous un-brained combat report] Amazon has an email address for complaints. But it doesn’t accept incoming emails. I bet whoever runs their complaints department is popular with Jeff Bezos!
JEFF BEZOS: Any complaints this quarter?
COMPLAINTS DEPT. MONKEY: None at all, sir
JEFF BEZOS: None again this quarter? Well done! Have a massive pay rise!
