Of late I’ve become quite enchanted by the appallingly piss-poor Photoshop work that a lot of Chinese no-name brands have been using to illustrate their products on Amazon. Such risible renderings have become so ubiquitous of late that I could have easily made this post eleventy billion photos long. But, here’s just a wee random sample, to whet your whistle, of items that have either popped up on Amazon’s "Selected for you" homepage section, or that I’ve laughed looked at in passing. If you hanker after seeing more, just check out the product pics on almost any Chinese brand on Amazon.
If I was really on the ball, I’d put in Affiliate links to all the products featured here. But, given the triple whammy of…
- No-one reads this shite anyway
- Even if anyone did read it, no-one clicks on Affiliate links
- I can’t be arsed
…I don’t think I’ll bother.
On with the show!…
Coquimbo LED Torch Rechargeable, Work Light
Even before they charged the tea-boy with generating some quality Photoshop work to promote their products, this company already hit the back of the net by having a brand name which combines "Coq", "Quim" and "BO". But we’re not here today to snigger up our sleeves in schoolboy fashion at such childish prurience, are we? No. We’re here for the appreciation of art!
What makes the Cock-Quim-BO work light so fantastic is that it uses advanced LEDs which light your face from above, even when the torch is below you. And also that, for maximum convenience when positioning, it is also able to hover in mid air.
Norjews Heavy Duty Garden Waste Bags
Here’s some splendid work from the pixel-monkeys at everyone’s favourite anti-Semitic brand name "Norjews", illustrating how their garden waste bags defy gravity by standing vertically upright, even when empty and with someone resting his hand on the edge. Also, being presumably woven from finest vampire material, they cast no shadow in a brightly sunlit garden..
Lauva Dog Cooling Mat
What I love most about this one --apart from the fact of illustrating a "Dog Cooling Mat" with a picture of a cat-- is the fact that the moggie’s expression so closely mirrors my own, whenever I gaze upon the absolute cack-handed way in which said feline has been chopped from whatever background the photo originally had and dropped onto this mat. Who knew Photoshop had a machete tool!
CONOPU Fly Zapper
Here’s one of those "tennis racquet" fly swatter thingies. I’m not really sure what the artist was trying to achieve with this composition. The mosquitoes seem to be being drawn, as if by Star Trek-esque tractor beam, to the ten billion lumen light in the handle, rather than flinging themselves upon the electrified racquet head, as is presumably the intention. Even more impressive is the choice of a completely unsuitably posed and far too small clip-photo hand, in whose ethereal grip the device is conspicuously failing to rest.
ZXICH Reusable Volume Mask with Filter
It’s hard to know where to begin with this one. I’m mesmerised by the surreal overlay of a really flat 3D-rendered product image onto a photo of a real person. The "uncanny valley" effect is further enhanced by the fact that the mask isn’t actually connected to his face at all --look at the straps on the top. Add in the weird internal lighting and glow-in-the-dark exterior and I suggest that whoever did this is wasted in ZXICH’s basement. They should be working on special effects for the next SciFi blockbuster.
Ordtop Smart Watch, Fitness Tracker
Even though it’s allegedly "IP68 waterproof" you don’t need to worry about getting your Ordtop fitness tracker watch wet. Because, thanks to advanced force field technology, it repels water from landing on it. In addition, built in gyroscopic stabilisation means the watch automatically rotates around your wrist, so the dial is always pointing upwards --no matter what direction your arm is facing.`
QUMY Dog Shoes for Large Dog
What do you buy for the canine who has everything? Why, a pair of "QUMY Dog Shoes for Large Dog", of course. Built around similar technology to that found in the Ordtop Fitness Tracker, these miraculous dog shoes also automatically rotate around your furry friend’s paws, to make sure they’re always facing forwards. Additionally, their built in hovering function will stop Fido from getting his wee tootsies wet, by allowing him to walk or water, like a wet nosed messiah.
Zostuic Digital Camera FHD
The Zostuic digital camera is a marvel of miniaturisation. The boffins back at Zostuic HQ have made it so thin, you can pinch it between fingers and thumb, like it was a piece of paper.
Hi-Spec 25pc Blue Beginners Carpentry Tool Kit Set
The Hi-Spec 25pc Blue Beginners Carpentry Tool Kit Set is an excellent way to introduce your child to the joys of DIY. So that, eventually, the wee fucker can do some work round the house, while you nip off down the pub. Please be aware though that hand tools can be dangerous. So it’s important to wear badly Photoshopped on safety glasses --even when just holding the box.
Or looking at it.
Well, folks. I hope you enjoyed that bijou selection-ette of piss-poor Chinese Amazon Photoshoppery. I’m still not quite decided whether, when shopping on Amazon in future, I should adopt a policy of avoiding products with such risibly fake promotional imagery… or, conversely, deliberately opt for those brands. Just to reward them for their bare-faced cheek.