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US Election Coverage
29 Aug 2008
One of the unfortunate consequences of living in the Fifty-first State of America is that we have to suffer the ball-grinding tedium that goes along with -not one but two!- general election campaigns. As well as watching the snivelling antics of our own bunch of cretins, we also have to suffer prolonged and in-depth coverage of the motherland’s election. If a US presidential wannabe farts. Britain needs to be told the flavour!... [ Read More ]
Installing ERuby on Mac OSX Leopard
02 Apr 2008
I’ve seen several guides to installing eRuby on OSX - none of which I could get to work for Leopard. But after much trial and error, I’ve managed to get eRuby up and running on Leopard, using a special mix’n’match blend, culled from various bits of other tutorials on the web. So here is my guide to installing eRuby on OSX Leopard. As I say, this worked for me, when other guides didnae, but I’m not guaranteeing anything.... [ Read More ]
Adding a Social Bookmarking Toolbar to Your Posts
26 Mar 2008
[Shamelessly recycled from my post on the appletalker scrapbook] Here’s a quick tutorial on how to add a nice toolbar [with icons!] to the bottom of each of your Blogger posts, that will allow your avid readership to post your drivel to the following social bookmarking sites; Digg, Reddit, del.icio.us and Technorati. I’ve also incorporated Blogger’s built-in ‘Add Comment’ link into the toolbar, to keep everything neat and organised. First of all, grab yourself some icons for the social bookmarking sites you want to provide links to.... [ Read More ]
'Political Correctness' - Meet 'Barrel-Scraping'
21 Mar 2008
It takes a special kind of fuckwitt to come up with a programme idea which combines elements of unoriginality, political-correctness and Americanisation in such a haddock-stinking way that I truly thought this was an early April Fool’s joke, when I stumbled upon it on the BBC’s website. For what you are looking at here, dear reader, is none other than Enid Blyton’s Famous Five, given a 21st Century makeover, for a new cartoon series on the Disney Channel.... [ Read More ]
Question Marks
21 Mar 2008
Laying into the advertising industry is a bit like kicking a dead man with two sets of knackers - not much of a challenge and plenty to aim for. But, what the Hell. It’s the Easter holidays and I’m entitled to take things easy. So today, children let’s contemplate one of the three or four ideas which are currently afoot and endlessly re-hashed in advert-land, the ‘Question as Slogan’:... [ Read More ]
Random Photoshop Tip - Straightening Wonky Horizontals [Or Verticals]
07 Dec 2007
We’ve all got photographs were the horizontals or verticals aren’t quite perpendicular. You can try to avoid this problem by not taking photographs while drunk but it’s much more fun to use Photoshop to fix things up later. This tip also works for teetotallers who just cannae get their perpendiculars perpendicular either. 1. First find an afflicted image. Here’s one I’ve deliberately ‘wonkified’ to an exaggerated degree. If your horizons are consistently sloping this much, maybe try a lower strength beer.... [ Read More ]
Using 'Categories' With Blogger
07 Dec 2007
Last week one of the students, who had previously used Wordpress, asked me if Blogger ‘did categories’ because [s]he wanted to file their posts under categories reflecting which college project they referred to. “No” I replied, with the robust confidence of someone talking out of his nether regions *“Blogger disnae support categories. The best you can do is organise posts by date”. Well, even a towering intellect like myself can occasionally get things wrong and, after further tinkering I have discovered that, whilst Blogger disnae support categories per se, there is a way to make it behave as if it does by taking advantage of the fact that Blogger does support attaching keywords to a post [or LABELS in Blogger parlance] and does allow you to add some custom menus to your template layout [providing you’re using one of the modern templates].... [ Read More ]
Set Up Tracking for Your Blog
04 Dec 2007
In ten… Oh, alright then eleven simple steps. One of the lesser known goodies that you gain access to, when you sign up for a Google account is Google Analytics - a service which lets you track visitors to your blog and view lots of interesting geeky detail about them, such as where in the world they surfed in from, what browser they used and the ego-bruising bottom line; ‘How many people are actually reading this crap?... [ Read More ]
More on PDPs
04 Dec 2007
As part of their coursework, students at our college are required to keep a PDP [Personal Development Plan] - a studio diary in which they chart their progression through the course by way of discussing works in progress, referencing other works which influence them and - as part of the critical studies element of the course - writing a couple of reviews. In the past, this PDP has always had to be presented in physical form which, as you can imagine, gives rise to numerous opportunities for the perennial student excuses such as “The dog ate my PDP….... [ Read More ]
First Tweakage
03 Dec 2007
Inveterate tinkerer that I am, I wasnae able to leave the default template alone for long. Although it’s the cleanest looking of the templates available, there were a few things about it which bugged me, so I made some initial adjustments. No doubt I’ll be returning to tinker at a later date. For now I’ve: Moved the sidebar to the left - where it should be [IMHO] Widened the whole layout.... [ Read More ]
The Traditionally Tedious First Post
03 Dec 2007
In my capacity as most popular lecturer in the Design & Visual Arts Department of City College Manchester, I am often asked to share my encyclopaedic knowledge with hordes of saucer-eyed students, who gaze at me in admiration and hang on my every syllable. This past two weeks I have been talking the students through the process of setting up blogs and showing them the mechanics of adding photos, slideshows & video – generally availing of the various tentacles of the Google global empire; Blogger, Picasa and YouTube.... [ Read More ]
Dedicated Fuckwitts of Fashion
22 Oct 2007
My contempt for that large percentage of the female population who would go out wearing a sack of dogshit tied round their waist if some skull-faced bitch in Cosmopolitan told them to - and would then ponce round looking down their snotty noses at anyone ‘uncool’ enough not to be similarly attired - knows almost no bounds. Every year there’s some new ‘must have’ look which legions of vacuum-headed girls dutifully adopt because they’ve been told they have to.... [ Read More ]
Mastermind Sketch
16 Oct 2007
MASTERMIND SKETCH Interior. the familiar black chair, spotlit from above. A sweet-looking [if slightly bewildered] old biddy is sitting in the chair clutching her handbag defensively in front of her chest and smiling innocently at the quizmaster. The Mastermind theme tune could be fading out in the background. QUIZMASTER Your name please BIDDYEdith Bramble QUIZMASTER And your spe…. EDITH [interrupting him] I’m ninety-seven, you know! QUIZMASTER Very good. And your specialist subject is?... [ Read More ]
Sex Therapists TV Show Sketch
16 Oct 2007
THE SEX THERAPISTS TV SHOW Interior. A TV studio. Our viewpoint should be as if we are watching the show on television. A middle-aged couple stand behind a desk or podium. Behind them on the wall [or emblazoned across the front of the desk/podium] is the show’s title: “THE LOVE DOCTORS”. The couple are stereotypically American; fake orange tans, huge fluorescent white teeth and too much jewellery. The man is fat and the woman has that anorexic look with a scrawny leathery neck like a tortoise […Mutton Dressed as Lamb, in other words].... [ Read More ]
Wimbledon Sketch
16 Oct 2007
THE WIMBLEDON COMMENTATOR The commentator is of the ‘Old School’ - an old fuddy-duddy type with a public school accent. Think Dan Maskell. COMMENTATOR: And so as Jock McTavish prepares to serve in this deciding game, the hopes of British tennis rest squarely on his young shoulders… He bounces the ball… once… twice… He serves… [pause …Thwack noise - roaring from the crowd] COMMENTATOR: [Shouts - excited] ACE! It’s an ace!... [ Read More ]
Bog Trotting
02 Sep 2007
Apropos of nothing - save the fact I’ll be stayin’ over at a mates house in a few days - a question which has long puzzled me: “why do the English never have locks on their toilet doors?” I’m just going though a mental list of friends, acquaintances, in-laws and other ‘Persons Known to Me’ - as the police would have it - in whose houses, over the years, I’ve spent the night.... [ Read More ]
The Tao of Tattoos
01 Sep 2007
Back in the good old days, it was mostly life’s misfits; the Rockers, the Bikers, the Punks and old Teddy Boys and ex-servicemen who sported a proliferation of tattoos. Nowadays however, it seems you’d be making more of a statement and cocking more of a snook at the world if you chose not to ‘get ink done’. So in that bitter and twisted mood that comes upon me when I see normal society encroaching on what used to be weirdo territory, I present my ‘Tao of Tattoos’.... [ Read More ]
Blue Peter
30 Aug 2007
Amongst the usual wheelbarrow loads of spam I’ve been getting in my intray over the past week or three, there’s been several dozen with a subject line consisting of some variation on the theme “My boyfriends’ <insert slang name for willy> is so big… yadda… yadda…”. I don’t actually know what the rest of the line is, as it gets cut off by the edge of my email app window and - needless to say - I just delete spam without looking at it, but one thing I did find mildly amusing: where the *<slang name for willy> *appears in the subject line, I’ve seen all the usual suspects used; ‘Penis’, ‘Cock’, ‘Wang’, ‘Pecker’, and so on.... [ Read More ]
Your Mother Should Know
28 Aug 2007
OK - Here’s an interesting theory for you based - needless to say - on purely fictitious set of circumstances and [libel lawyers please note] not on anything currently in the news: Imagine a couple on a foreign holiday with their small children. The parents, being a pair of fuckwitts, decide to go out for a meal one night, leaving their three year old daughter and even younger son alone in their holiday apartment.... [ Read More ]
The One That Didnae Get Away
03 Aug 2007
You know them big cylinders of meat you see in your local Kebab Shop - sweating profusely as they slowly turn on their spit? I bet like me, you thought they were Elephant’s Legs. We’ll, it turns out we were mistaken. As this package label I found in my local Asda reveals, the kebab is in fact a magnificent sea creature. Now where can I catch me one? ... [ Read More ]
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