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This Year I Will... 03 Jan 2006
Do MORE "Good" stuff Do LESS "Bad" stuff I find it doesn’t do to get too tied down with detail and definitions! ... [ Read More ]
Let's Parler Bilge 02 Jan 2006
For as long as I can remember [about as far back as last Wednesday], I’ve had a strange -one might almost say "manic"- compulsion to mess around with words; change their pronunciation, meaning etc. and generally fuck about wi' the language so much that I end up having a large swathe of vocabulary or pet phrases that are only intelligible to myself and whichever unfortunates have to bear my company for any extended period of time.... [ Read More ]
Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time! 24 Dec 2005
To certain persons at City College Manchester who, for the sake of keeping my job, must sadly remain nameless - a heartfelt Christmas greeting: As I sit here with [literally!] £1,32 to my name in the bank, debating whether to settle for a single brussels sprout for Christmas dinner, or attempt to catch one of the mice I can hear scampering about in the attic and roast it over a roaring candle, I’d like to thank you for all you’ve done for me over the past couple of months, to make this such a special Christmas…​... [ Read More ]
Belt Up! [Geddit?] 15 Dec 2005
Woo Hoo! --Yesterday I found out that I’d passed my first Tae Kwondo grading and thus earned a saucy yellow stripe for my weedy white belt, and the designation "9th Kup". Although the cynical side of me reckons that you’d pretty much have to run up and shit full in the examiner’s face to fail your first grading [After all, they dinnae want to discourage you, just as you’re starting out], I’m still quite chuffed.... [ Read More ]
Best Poem Ever [Geddit?] 04 Dec 2005
Further to yesterday’s post about George Best’s funeral and noting Callum Best’s emotional reading of the Newtownabbey Advertiser standard poem sent in to him by a member of the public, I am minded to pay my own tribute in verse form. From the distant cobweb bedecked corners of my brain, comes the memory of a rhyme which did the rounds for a few months while I was a snotty-nosed pupil at Mossley Primary School back in the 1970s.... [ Read More ]
So Farewell Then, Georgie Best 03 Dec 2005
I was fully prepared to be cynical when I saw you were being given what amounted to a state funeral back home in Belfast. Those being usually the preserve of deceased political and religious leaders, not someone who was merely quite good at kicking a leather ball around a field. OK. So you made us proud that our pathetic fucked up wee country could produce someone universally recognised as the greatest footballer in the world, but you let us down time and time again and embarrassed us over and over with your drunken antics.... [ Read More ]
Did Yoffy's Fingers Bob in Vain? 23 Sep 2005
"Yoffy lifts a finger and a tortoise head peeps out." sang the theme music to Fingerbobs Isn’t it an absolute disgrace, as well as a sad indictment of the modern world, to think that the so-called "Children’s Entertainers" of today are far too busy snorting cocaine off each other’s nether-regions to follow Yoffy’s pioneering example? In fact, to the best of my knowledge, not one of these preening, pouting poppinjays of today has ever, even slightly, elevated one of their own digits, in order to see just what [if anything] pops out!... [ Read More ]
Shut the Fuck Up - Will You?! 03 Sep 2005
GROWL!!! ROAR!!! GROWL!!! ROAR!!! That was the sound of the mighty Leopard, slipping through the jungle like a wraith, in silent pursuit of his prey. SQUEAK!!! SQUEAK!!! SQUEAK!!! That was the sound of a rat, sneaking through the dark and musty corner of your cellar in search of a discarded crust. Yes folks! - it’s another busy day in the life of one of my favourite "... [ Read More ]
Let's Hear It for 'Noisy Space'! 07 Aug 2005
Have you ever noticed how in every Science Fiction film ever made, every laser gun blast, every rocket engine firing, every explosion which happens in the vacuum of outer space is always acoustically adorned with the best 'Zaps', 'Roars' and 'Booms' the sound effects department can produce? Why, for fuck’s sake?! The clue is in the phrase "Vacuum of Space". We all learned in first-year Physics that sound disnae travel in a vacuum, so why this ridiculous aural accompaniment?... [ Read More ]
Good Doggie! 02 Aug 2005
So Tony Blair has finally reaped his reward for being a good little poodle and following his master into Iraq, has he? Oh! - did I say "Tony Blair has reaped his reward…​?" Silly me! The beloved leader and his cronies are, thankfully, well-protected by the state’s finest. No. I’m afraid it was Joe [and Joanna] Public who kopped for the inevitable. But then, we knew that was the way it was going to be, didn’t we?... [ Read More ]
The Great Reconstituted Potato Snack Sexuality Test 02 Aug 2005
For many moons now, I’ve been working on a revolutionary new theory which states that it should be possible to deduce a person’s real sexuality from their preferred flavour of potato crisps, or their hi-tech cousins - the reconstituted corn or maize snack. This quite independently of that person’s professed sexuality. I’ve noticed that when confronted with a choice of such titbits at the kind of swanky soireés I get invited to, most girls have a horrible predeliction for the disgustingly cheesy flavours, whilst the average red-blooded male will almost always opt for something a bit more piscine.... [ Read More ]
What's My Bloody Problem? 04 Jul 2005
Am I the only one becoming teeth-grindingly irritated by the constant [and meaningless] overuse of the word "Solution" in regard to all things corporate and industrial nowadays? This 'disease' is doubtless common throughout the business world, but I especially notice its sweaty-palmed prevalence in the area I work; computers and the internet. Software companies no longer sell Applications; they produce "Business Solutions". ISPs have given up renting webspace and instead offer "... [ Read More ]
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