Well, after a couple of weeks of writing, scrunching up, rewriting, revising, scrunching up, rewriting, un-rewriting, un-scrunching, editing, rewriting and going back to what was originally there in the first friggin’ place, I finally decided to stop tweaking and uploaded my entry for the BBC’s Last Laugh competition. I did an ending to “The old Guys”]. Now, I’ve just got to sit back for a couple o months and wait for fame and fortune to come a-knocking at the door and then I’ll never again have to waste precious minutes composing this tedious drivel [that no fucker ever reads anyway!...
[ Read More ]Best Gadget Evarrr!
26 Apr 2005
The other day, the postie greeted me bleary-eyed on the doorstep with a package which turned out to be the new iTrip I’d ordered a couple of days earlier, to accompany my iPod. Although I’d read good reviews about the iTrip, I was expecting it to be at best a ‘Not Bad’ piece of technology -but I was in for a treat!
For those folk not in the know, the iTrip is a small cylinder, about half as big again as an AA battery, which plugs into the headphone socket of your iPod [I’m assuming there isn’t anyone left on the planet who disnae know what one of those is!...
[ Read More ]None of the Above
26 Apr 2005
Just got my Postal Ballot through the door this morning -not that I have any intention of voting in the General [or any other] Election.
Barely had the ballot paper landed on the doormat, when it was followed shortly afterwards by an avalanche of leaflets from the various candidates. I don’t know why they even bother wasting the money printing this shite up [Although judging from the grotty, smudgy, sub church newsletter offerings from a few of the smaller parties, not everyone exactly broke the bank, publicising their pipedreams]....
[ Read More ]New Who Review –Boo!
31 Mar 2005
Well, last night I sat down to watch the much-heralded rebirth of the formerly magnificent Doctor Who, with Christopher Ecclestone as The Doctor and Billie Piper as his travelling companion Rose. In spite of my instinctive dislike of the latter [I’m sorry, but you’ve got to feel some kind of contempt for anyone who’d marry a twat like Chris Evans! and because of my complete ignorance of [and therefore lack of prejudice against] the former, I determined to give the programme a ‘Fair Go’....
[ Read More ]Who's Next?
31 Mar 2005
So Christopher Ecclestone has quit after making one series of the new Doctor Who, saying he “Doesn’t want to be typecast”, has he?
Hmmm… Could you not have considered that this might likely happen, if you took on the role of one of the most iconic figures on British telly, before you signed the contract? So, after all the long wait to see Doctor Who on the box again, after all the fanfare and the build-up, after all the “Rubber Chicken Circuit” interviews Ecclestone gave on every radio and TV station in the feckin’ country, over the past few weeks, saying how proud he was of this new series, he’s jacked it in after a handful of episodes....
[ Read More ]School Time Versus Real Time
23 Mar 2005
When I was at Ballyclare High School, way back in the ‘Black & White days’, the timing of the bell for the end of each lesson was always 2 or 3 minutes shy of the actual time. So for example, although lunch was at 12:30 and school finished at 15:45, the bells actually went at 12:28 and 15:43. This strange scenario lasted throughout my seven years at the school [And for all I know might still pertain today]....
[ Read More ]Jesus Is a Zero -or a Negative Influence?
19 Mar 2005
Driving back from Leeds this morning I passed a church in Huddersfield which had one of those ‘Trendy Vicar’ advertising slogan type notices outside, designed to ‘get down with the kids’ and have the punters flooding in of a Sunday. I couldnae photograph the actual sign, due to negotiating a tricky junction at the time, but I have masterfully reproduced it here.
Now on the face of it we seem to have the usual ‘Jesus is Love’ message, but zanily [and quite possibly ‘Bonkersly’] dressed up as a mathematical equation [These trendy vicars sure know how to target the youth market!...
[ Read More ]Democracy -Dontcha Love It?!
13 Mar 2005
Nice to see all the main parties falling into line and voting for [albeit with a couple of insignificant amendments] The Government’s new Anti-Terror laws. These were brought in after the senile cunts in the House of Lords actually woke up long enough to realise that the previous policy of allowing anyone suspected of “Being a Johnny Foreigner” er… sorry, I mean of “Planning Terrorism” to be detained indefinitely without charge and without them or their solicitors being given access to the evidence against them was “not very British, Old Chap!...
[ Read More ]From Our Nostradamus Department
08 Jan 2005
Last night I dreamt that I was sitting by the touchline, waiting for this summer’s FA Cup Final to start and, as is customary with dreams, was having an endless cycle of frustration -in this case, trying to connect my laptop to my online bookies to put a bet on before the match started.
In the dream, The Final was between Everton and Middlesbro’ and I was trying to bet on Middlesbro’....
[ Read More ]Uno, Dos, Tres... Catorce ???
12 Dec 2004
Someone should tell U2 that in whatever that feckin’ song is they’re using to sell iPods at the minute, Bonio is screeching “One, two, Three, Fourteen” in Spanish. Is that a fuck-up, or am I missing something incredibly witty and deliberate here?...
[ Read More ]Random Irritations No. 634
09 Dec 2004
Downloads from the net, where not only does the name of the archived file you download bear no relation at all to the name on the download link but uncompressing the archive file produces something with yet another completely different name.
I find this is a great way to fill my downloads folder up with either multiple downloads of the same archive file as I hit ‘Download’ again after failing to find a file with the name I’m expecting, or multiple copies of the uncompressed archive as I doubleclick on that repeatedly for the same reason....
[ Read More ]Slaving Over a Hot Keyboard
03 Dec 2004
Well, there’s nothing like a bout of enforced poverty to get the creative juices flowing!
Work has been a bit thin on the ground over the past few weeks. What with Christmas being just round the corner [I think it started in early November this year!] people are obviously saving the money they’d usually spend on vital necessities like websites and programming on idle frippery like booze and mince pies instead....
[ Read More ]So Bohored of 'Boho'
17 Nov 2004
As a regular eBay, with my very own wee shop, I’m getting used to the acronyms and buzzwords with which people populate their auction ads, but it seems like in the space of the last week or so, every fecker who’s putting Anything up for auction feels the need to describe it as “Boho”. I presume it’s some kind of derivation of ‘Bohemian’ but do they really need to use it on every feckin’ ad?...
[ Read More ][Singing] 'I Am Plagiarising - I Am Plagiarising...'
17 Nov 2004
A friendly pat on the back [with a sledgehammer] to the Dickie Beasley at Fuckwitte, Pilloque and Spratt who came up with the stunningly original advert currently airing for the Halifax Building Society!
The way that office block, weighs anchor and glides off down the street like a frigate, complete with fluttering tarpaulins for sails is a piece of cinematic genius. Shame on the Monty Python team for blatantly plagiarising this idea back in 1983 with the vastly inferior Crimson Permanent Insurance sketch at the beginning of their film The Meaning of Life!...
[ Read More ]Ask Me No Questions...
11 Nov 2004
Egads! -To the Salisbury Pub last night, with the missus in tow, for the bi-semanal [is that a real word?] Pub Quiz, only to find that they didnae have enough punters in to justify running it this week. What the feck is going on?! - surely we havenae scared everyone else away by our increasingly commonplace and heroic victories? I mean we’ve not even been for about three weeks, so the rest of you had yer window of opportunity to pick up a prize or two if you wanted!...
[ Read More ]Look Out! It's Middle-Class Multi-Ethnic Model Gang!
10 Nov 2004
The world of advertising, infested as it is with novelty tie and glasses wearing cocklappers of the first order who think the world thousand is pronounced “Kay”, has always been a particular bugbear of mine. So it gives me great pleasure to throw a bucket of cold sick in the face of whichever Dickie Beasley* brought us “Middle-Class Multi-Ethnic Model Gang”
For years advertisers have presented us visions of the world as it should be, rather than as it is....
[ Read More ]Why Do I Buy Appliances That Don't Exist?
10 Nov 2004
OK -So today the missus decides she wants to do a bit of hoovering round the flat. Now I’m not one to stand in the way of a girl’s ambitions, so I dig out the vacuum cleaner and, ‘lo and behold’ there’s no feckin’ bag in it, nor any in the house. And thus begins the latest in a long line of my Trials of Hercules [Updated and adapted for 21st Century living]....
[ Read More ]Snap Unhappy
09 Oct 2004
I am a tad pissed off this morning!
Ever since I got my luvverly wee Canon Digital Ixus about a year or so ago, I’ve been in the habit of stickin’ it in my pocket everytime I leave the house while proclaiming “I mustn’t forget the Pepperami!” [My hilarious pun on ‘Paparazzi’ -Geddit?]. The missus regularly questions my Boy Scout like photographic prepared-ness with helpful comments such as “Why do you need to bring a camera to Asda?...
[ Read More ]Splash Down!
30 Aug 2004
Last night [For the fourth feckin’ time in my cack-handed career] I managed to knock a bottle of beer over in proximity to my computer. Unfortunately, this time the wee blighter didnae survive the assault. He’s been with me about 5 years and has resisted the intrusion of Red Wine and Guinness, but was finally brought to his knees by some Marston’s Pedigree Ale
Unfortunately, although I dried the comp out as best I could and left it upside down and dismantled overnight, the Magic Pixies did not fix it while I slept....
[ Read More ]Brain Drain
27 May 2004
Hot on the heels of our feeble Test The Nation results, I mentioned the other day, me and the missus suffered the further indignity of coming an absolutely pathetic Fifth! in the oul’ Pub Quiz at The Salisbury last night. Following on from our heroic “Two Thirds and Two Wins” in the past five weeks’ run, this was a bitter disappointment for us both, as well as a shock for the legions of my adoring attractive female fans –who sadly failed to turn up this week again....
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