As anyone with a blog will know, one of the more amusing things you have to deal with are the constant attempts [by means of fake comments] of fuckwitted spammers to pollute your artistic genius with their semi-literate hawking of various tawdry “organ-enhancement” lotions and potions, or online card games.
In the past, these “Spamments” [I just coined that phrase - amn’t I witty?] consisted purely of dozens of links to whatever crap the spammers were peddling and were correspondingly easy to spot and delete....
[ Read More ]The Most Pointless Tickbox of All Time
25 Apr 2006
Why do eBay even bother to have that “Keep Me Signed In…” tickbox on the login screen for their website? It doesn’t work. It never has worked and -although I keep ticking it every time I login, just on the off-chance they’ve finally fixed the damned thing- it probably never will work!
Seeing as I have to spend so much of my time on eBay, hanging around the login screen, I think they should at least make that area of the site a bit more hospitable and ambient....
[ Read More ]Play It Loud, Mutha-Flippa!
24 Apr 2006
On Sunday avvy, while idly flicking through the telly channels in the vague hope of finding something remotely watchable, I happened upon the promising sounding “Kerrang Top 100 Greatest Rock Videos of all Time”. The phrase “All-Time” in this case, as with all these type of programmes, seemingly encompassing the music industry’s output from as far back in time as the previous fortnight.
As I watched the programme, presented by that drummer out of the Stereophonics and two delightfully intellectually stunted vacuous bimbos [who I am reliably informed are tabloid topless models], it didnae take too long for me to realise something was rotten in the state of Anarchy....
[ Read More ]Put TCP on Their Beaks!
08 Apr 2006
Have you ever in your life heard the like of the bollox that’s going on in the press about Bird Flu?
I actually thought the media-led furore had died down again, after the hacks moved on to warning us that the whole country was about to become desiccated, because it hadnae rained in the Home Counties for more than a week. But now bird flu is back on the front pages with a vengeance thanks to “Mc Swan” who’s bitten the dust somewhere in scotland....
[ Read More ]Blow for George Bush
Woohoo! - found out tonight that Mazza and me had both passed our second Tai Kwondo grading [held on Sunday] and are now the proud possessors of yellow belts.
This was in spite of my cocking up Chon Ji the first time and having to do it again –D’oh!
I have a great excuse tho’…
Whenever we’ve practiced it in the Dojang or when I’ve run through it at home, it’s always been in a room with windows along one side - and I/we’ve always started the pattern [and thus ended it] facing the windows....
[ Read More ]How Can I Ever Thank You?
02 Mar 2006
I’ve just been on the Government’s website, paying the tax disc for the car; £170 for the privilege of another 12 months sitting in traffic jams and having my motor rattled to bits by pot-holes. How thrilling it was to see that the web page where the process of paying the fucker begins is entitled not *“Pay for your Tax Disc” * but “Apply for a tax Disc” –as if it’s something you really want to do anyway and which the Government might allow, if you ask nicely....
[ Read More ]Sign Off
16 Feb 2006
What the hell where the sandal-wearing PC correct brigade at ITV thinking of, when they came up with the ludicrous idea of sticking “signers” on some of their late night movies?
Now, I’m as much in favour of equal access rights for the disabled as the next guy, but why do I have to suffer what looks like a small Gnome with St. Vitus Dance threshing about in the corner of the screen while I’m trying to watch a movie....
[ Read More ]Smoke Crack for Allah!
16 Feb 2006
So it [turns out Omar Khayam, the poster boy for the fanatical Moslems protesting in London against the Danish Allah cartoons at the weekend, is in fact a convicted crack and heroin dealer, who was released on licence from prison last year, halfway through a six year jail sentence. Presumably Mr. Khayam was suitably outraged at this degenerate act of liberal Western decadence by the prison parole board and rued the fact he hadn’t been convicted of his crimes in a country with a justice system founded on the strict Islamic principles he was advocating at the weekend....
[ Read More ]Chicken Shit
06 Feb 2006
Is it just me, or does anyone else think that Chicken Licken is one of the fugliest cartoon creations yet? He looks like the bastard offspring of some illicit liaison between Timmy Mallet and Orville the Duck!...
[ Read More ]Never Play Star Trek Wi' Yer Mammy!
10 Jan 2006
One day, many, many moons ago when we were wee, me and my brother R—— were playing an exciting game of Star Tek. Unconsciously echoing the nano-budgets of the TV programme itself, the drama was being played out through the medium of handwritten coded notes which –passed back and forward under the dining room door– represented communication between the orbiting Enterprise and the doughty explorers on some alien planet’s surface....
[ Read More ]This Year I Will...
03 Jan 2006
Do MORE “Good” stuff
Do LESS “Bad” stuff
I find it doesn’t do to get too tied down with detail and definitions!...
[ Read More ]Let's Parler Bilge
02 Jan 2006
For as long as I can remember [about as far back as last Wednesday], I’ve had a strange -one might almost say “manic”- compulsion to mess around with words; change their pronunciation, meaning etc. and generally fuck about wi’ the language so much that I end up having a large swathe of vocabulary or pet phrases that are only intelligible to myself and whichever unfortunates have to bear my company for any extended period of time....
[ Read More ]Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time!
24 Dec 2005
To certain persons at City College Manchester who, for the sake of keeping my job, must sadly remain nameless - a heartfelt Christmas greeting:
As I sit here with [literally!] £1,32 to my name in the bank, debating whether to settle for a single brussels sprout for Christmas dinner, or attempt to catch one of the mice I can hear scampering about in the attic and roast it over a roaring candle, I’d like to thank you for all you’ve done for me over the past couple of months, to make this such a special Christmas…...
[ Read More ]Belt Up! [Geddit?]
15 Dec 2005
Woo Hoo! –Yesterday I found out that I’d passed my first Tae Kwondo grading and thus earned a saucy yellow stripe for my weedy white belt, and the designation “9th Kup”.
Although the cynical side of me reckons that you’d pretty much have to run up and shit full in the examiner’s face to fail your first grading [After all, they dinnae want to discourage you, just as you’re starting out], I’m still quite chuffed....
[ Read More ]Best Poem Ever [Geddit?]
04 Dec 2005
Further to yesterday’s post about George Best’s funeral and noting Callum Best’s emotional reading of the Newtownabbey Advertiser standard poem sent in to him by a member of the public, I am minded to pay my own tribute in verse form.
From the distant cobweb bedecked corners of my brain, comes the memory of a rhyme which did the rounds for a few months while I was a snotty-nosed pupil at Mossley Primary School back in the 1970s....
[ Read More ]So Farewell Then, Georgie Best
03 Dec 2005
I was fully prepared to be cynical when I saw you were being given what amounted to a state funeral back home in Belfast. Those being usually the preserve of deceased political and religious leaders, not someone who was merely quite good at kicking a leather ball around a field. OK. So you made us proud that our pathetic fucked up wee country could produce someone universally recognised as the greatest footballer in the world, but you let us down time and time again and embarrassed us over and over with your drunken antics....
[ Read More ]Did Yoffy's Fingers Bob in Vain?
23 Sep 2005
“Yoffy lifts a finger and a tortoise head peeps out.” sang the theme music to Fingerbobs
Isn’t it an absolute disgrace, as well as a sad indictment of the modern world, to think that the so-called “Children’s Entertainers” of today are far too busy snorting cocaine off each other’s nether-regions to follow Yoffy’s pioneering example? In fact, to the best of my knowledge, not one of these preening, pouting poppinjays of today has ever, even slightly, elevated one of their own digits, in order to see just what [if anything] pops out!...
[ Read More ]Shut the Fuck Up - Will You?!
03 Sep 2005
GROWL!!! ROAR!!! GROWL!!! ROAR!!!
That was the sound of the mighty Leopard, slipping through the jungle like a wraith, in silent pursuit of his prey.
SQUEAK!!! SQUEAK!!! SQUEAK!!!
That was the sound of a rat, sneaking through the dark and musty corner of your cellar in search of a discarded crust.
Yes folks! - it’s another busy day in the life of one of my favourite “Get Paid to Cock Things Up” professions: The TV and movie soundman....
[ Read More ]Let's Hear It for 'Noisy Space'!
07 Aug 2005
Have you ever noticed how in every Science Fiction film ever made, every laser gun blast, every rocket engine firing, every explosion which happens in the vacuum of outer space is always acoustically adorned with the best ‘Zaps’, ‘Roars’ and ‘Booms’ the sound effects department can produce?
Why, for fuck’s sake?!
The clue is in the phrase “Vacuum of Space”. We all learned in first-year Physics that sound disnae travel in a vacuum, so why this ridiculous aural accompaniment?...
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