You know them big cylinders of meat you see in your local Kebab Shop - sweating profusely as they slowly turn on their spit? I bet like me, you thought they were Elephant’s Legs. We’ll, it turns out we were mistaken. As this package label I found in my local Asda reveals, the kebab is in fact a magnificent sea creature. Now where can I catch me one?
[ Read More ]Sounds Like a Load of Wank to Me!
02 Aug 2007
Today’s award for the “Most Unfortunate Combination of Function Logo and Acronym” goes to the Thailand Open-source Software Festival –or ‘TOSSFEST’ as it is more casually known. Just look at that Open Source goodness, spurting forth from the mighty Jap’s Eye of software innovation!...
[ Read More ]The Planet Needs No Saving
06 Jul 2007
I really wish people would stop wanking on about “Saving the Planet”. You can barely turn on the telly or radio, or read an advert these days without stumbling across some multinational Earth-raping company trying to convince you they’re all a bunch of lentil sucking hippies, or having to listen to some tedious ‘popstar’ banging on about the environment, before dumping a few more tons of carbon into the air as they jet off to their next global photo opportunity....
[ Read More ]No Claims Penalty
09 Jun 2007
I had to renew the car insurance the other day and, in spite of not having made any claims [for the ninth year in a row] I noticed my insurers had put the premium up by £17 on last year’s. My previous insurers used to do this as well: Every year they’d send me a renewal quote which was higher than the previous year’s - in spite of my having made no claims....
[ Read More ]Environmentally Feindlich
22 Mar 2007
I’m glad to see that The Government is finally doing its bit for the environment by using yesterday’s budget to add a few pence onto the price of a litre of diesel and also by raising the Road Tax on 4x4s to £400 a year! I fully realise that using my beat-up fourteen year old Isuzu Trooper a couple of times a week to nip to the supermarket or pick the missus up from work makes me an environmental terrorist of the worst kind and deserving to be financially punished, whereas all those Business Executives and Government Ministers with as many cars on the driveway as there are people in the family and who spend more time in the fucking air than I do on the road, are really lentil sucking hippies and tree huggers of the first order....
[ Read More ]Goody News Is No News
20 Jan 2007
Anger and outrage swept the globe this week and left the United Kingdom and India teetering on the brink of Total Nuclear Armageddon, when it was learned that one “Moronic Zzzelebrity who Would Eat Their Own Shit With a Knife and Fork if They Thought it Would Get Them on Television” had kind of… sort of… obliquely offended another “Moronic Zzzelebrity who Would Eat Their Own Shit With a Knife and Fork if They Thought it Would Get Them on Television” -the incident apparently occurring on a television show so moronically insulting to the intelligence that it is guaranteed to be a ratings smash with the fuckwitted, brain-dead drones who make up the overwhelming majority of the British public,...
[ Read More ]The Louder You Shout, the Less I Hear!
04 Jan 2007
The other night, when I was watching some drivel on the box, the ads came on and a minor irritation occured when I automatically reached down for the remote control to hit the “Mute” button and found it wasnae where I usually leave it.
It occurred to me that for months now I’ve been instinctively muting the TV as soon as any channel I’m watching goes into a commercial break....
[ Read More ]Playing With the Wrapping Paper
19 Dec 2006
The past few years have seen a veritable explosion in televisual technology; the clunky VHS tape has given way to DVD and the old Cathode Ray Tube is on its way out, making way for wardrobe sized Flat Panel Displays and HDTV. And yet, with all these great leaps forward in the delivery and storage of our media, what in the way of actual content are these devices being used to display?...
[ Read More ]Nothing Much Happened Today
10 Oct 2006
Noticing the large gap between my previous post and the one before that, I suddenly remembered the diaries I used to regularly receive from Santa as a kid. They were as much a fixture of the Christmas present list as those other stalwarts, the Dandy Annual and the Cadbury’s Selection Pack, shaped like a big sock made of net.
Every Christmas I’d get one of those diaries and determine to write in it every day....
[ Read More ]Revenge of the Clipart People
10 Oct 2006
Jeesuz h. Motherfuck! - I’ve railed long and hard in the past about the mindfuckingly irritating habit megacorporations have of sticking some vacant clipart bimboon their marketing material [Usually bundled in an envelope with a letter telling you they’re going to sue the pants off you for the handful of sheckels you owe them], but never in the history of Politically Correct Clipart-Sucking Loonery have I been greeted with as monstrous a sight as this hugely grinning apparition, which greeted me when I attempted to access my account details on Virgin Mobile’s site this morning....
[ Read More ]Welcome to My World
28 Aug 2006
It was interesting to read a couple of recent stories; one about two men being escorted from an aeroplane after other passengers overheard them speaking in Arabic and another similar story about a family queueing for a ride on the London Eye being taken aside and put through extra security checks, again for being overheard speaking in Arabic.
Anyone of a remotely “Alternative” appearance, who’s had to deal with Customs and Security officials over the years preceding the current climate of Islamophobia must be silently sniggering to themselves these days and thinking “Welcome to My World!...
[ Read More ]Caveat Emptor
04 Aug 2006
As the kind of guy who’s never able to resist the temptation to walk past a skip, without having a wee hoke round in it, on the off-chance of finding something that “Might Come in Handy”, I’ve long been a bit of an eBay addict; The joy of making a few quid by flogging off a load of oul’ shite you’ve got lying round the house is matched only by the equal pleasure of putting in a last second snipe and snatching a piece of someone else’s bric-a-brac right out from under another bidder’s stupid nose!...
[ Read More ]Let's Paint the Town... Er...
04 Aug 2006
Phew! -Had to be careful I didnae infringe any copyrights there!
Like most households in the UK I wasnae surprised to receive this leaflet earlier in the week, wherein Royal Mail dress up their latest price increases as some kind of “modernisation” of the mail handling system. What I did find somewhat more startling tho’ was when I saw that, according to the small print on the back of the leaflet, the Royal Mail have apparently registered “The Colour Red” as a trademark....
[ Read More ]AdAnnoyeds
18 Jul 2006
The first in an occasional series, whereby we take a piss-poor advert for some nondescript product, which for no apparent reason features some vacant bimbo looking like she’s in the middle of a multiple orgasm - and draw a big hairy cock on it, in best prepubescent schoolboy fashion!
Is it wit? - Is it satire? - Is it biting social commentary?
Possibly not - but it’s what was going through the mind of that creativity-vacuum known as the “Advertising Executive” when he thought up this risible attempt to make you subconsciously associate “Thrusting a hot sweaty RAM card into your computer’s eagerly awaiting slot” with …er… whatever it is people do with Girls of the Opposite Gender....
[ Read More ]You Get Under My Skin
14 Jul 2006
I DO find it irritating!
I thought I was well used to cunt-stick advertising executives shamelessly ripping off every classic scene in every classic movie ever made and I thought I’d steeled myself against the never-ending cheapening of classic Rock’n’Roll songs by their unwelcome association with some tawdry consumer product or other, but I never thought I’d witness the unadulterated Sacrilege I saw on the box the other day!
Vodafone are only using my all-time favourite Punkrock classic tune - “Another Girl Another Planet” - by The Only Ones to try and flog their stinking mobile phone network....
[ Read More ]One Law for the Rich
12 Jul 2006
Interesting to note various politicians, the judiciary and the Right Wing Press running about like blue-arsed flies over the past couple of days, frantically twisting and turning and trying to find a legal loophole which will let them block the extradition to America of the three men involved in the Enron scandal. This feverish activity has been in stark contrast to the deafening silence from the same quarters, regarding the other ‘Extradition to America’ case that’s been in the news over the past couple of weeks....
[ Read More ]I'm in the Money!
20 May 2006
Woohoo! - Well, after all these years of being down on my luck it seems like things have finally taken a change for the better.
Last week I received an email notification that I’d won “Forty Million” odd Euros on the “Dutch National Lottery” [In spite of not even having bought a ticket!]. Then earlier this week I received another email telling me that I’d only gone and won the famous “El Gordo” Spanish lottery as well!...
[ Read More ]Spam Revisited
20 May 2006
Earlier this morning I heard an enthusiastic knocking at the door. “Who is it?” I shouted, rubbing my engorged nostrils eagerly, in anticipation of an exciting visitor.
“It’s someone you know” came the cheery reply.
“Really?” I shouted cleverly “I don’t recognise the voice. Where are you from?”
“It’s someone from work” The voice reassured me. So I bestrode my hallway like a Collossus, went to the front door and opened it -to be confronted by a complete stranger, wearing a shiny elbowed suit and an unconvincing pair of plastic specs with plastic nose and moustache attached....
[ Read More ]O Cruel Morpheus!
05 May 2006
Well, I must say it came as a bit of a shock to get a sudden phonecall, out of the blue from Howie - the guitarist in my former band Nobody’s Heroes last night. But I took it all in my stride, like you do in these circumstances. Though I had difficulty hearing exactly what he was saying, due to a car alarm sounding continuously in the background, I made out enough to gather that a big record company in America were so impressed with our demo, that they wanted to fly us out to the US immediately to cut an album!...
[ Read More ]The Only Thing You Done Was Yesterday
03 May 2006
Ah! -the stench of xenophobia in the air! There must be another football tournament featuring England and Germany, on the horizon. Time to start digging through the history books again! Channel Five set the ball rolling [Geddit?!] and lived up to their usual sub-tabloid standards with their trailers for the “England v. Germany” episode of the Pitched Battles football history series last week, by cutting the trailers so that a clip of the pre-war German team flourishing Nazi salutes was immediately followed by a grinning England team holding aloft the World Cup....
[ Read More ]