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Political Cartoon No. 001 30 May 2005
This is the first in an occasional series of politically and socially motivated cartoons, wherein I shall be bringing my colossal intellect and rapier-like wit to bear upon contemporary issues. Here we see a damning indictment on the recent re-election of Tony Blair ... [ Read More ]
'Yes' and 'Mister' Are the Hardest Words of All 29 May 2005
Isn’t it funny how, no matter how fluently a 'foreigner' in a TV drama or a film speaks English, they never seem to master the words for "Yes" and "No" or "Mister" "Miss" and "Missus"? "Mais oui, Monsieur. The murderer was obviously expecting us to be taken in by the deceptive simplicity of his diabolically executed scheme" [Hercules Poirot]. "Sí Señor. I will tell the Señora that you wish to discuss the matter further at a mutually convenient time"... [ Read More ]
Why Do They Say 'Literally' When They Mean 'Figuratively'? 27 May 2005
This seems to be a disease endemic amongst the journalistic classes, but seems particularly prevalent amongst sports commentators. "…​He quite literally skinned the defender…​" "…​the keeper literally performed miracles between the sticks…​" "…​the whole town of Aintree quite literally comes to a standstill for this race…​" "…​he’s literally been driving by the seat of his pants for the past two laps…​"... [ Read More ]
Baggsy No Mugs! 15 May 2005
This came up in a random "Trip down Memory Lane" conversation in the pub wi' my wee sister and bro the other day. So in the interests of preserving the rules of this great sport for future generations, I present the comprehensive guide to Canteen Table Chess, as practiced at Ballyclare High School, during my incarceration there from 1976-1983: The Rules Meals are served from a central serving hatch. Each patiently waiting table is given the nod from the all powerful dinner-ladies on patrol, to join the queue to be served.... [ Read More ]
Spoiling Tactics 05 May 2005
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Don't Give Up the Day Job 01 May 2005
Well, after a couple of weeks of writing, scrunching up, rewriting, revising, scrunching up, rewriting, un-rewriting, un-scrunching, editing, rewriting and going back to what was originally there in the first friggin' place, I finally decided to stop tweaking and uploaded my entry for the BBC’s Last Laugh competition. I did an ending to "The old Guys"]. Now, I’ve just got to sit back for a couple o months and wait for fame and fortune to come a-knocking at the door and then I’ll never again have to waste precious minutes composing this tedious drivel [that no fucker ever reads anyway!... [ Read More ]
Best Gadget Evarrr! 26 Apr 2005
The other day, the postie greeted me bleary-eyed on the doorstep with a package which turned out to be the new iTrip I’d ordered a couple of days earlier, to accompany my iPod. Although I’d read good reviews about the iTrip, I was expecting it to be at best a 'Not Bad' piece of technology -but I was in for a treat! For those folk not in the know, the iTrip is a small cylinder, about half as big again as an AA battery, which plugs into the headphone socket of your iPod [I’m assuming there isn’t anyone left on the planet who disnae know what one of those is!... [ Read More ]
None of the Above 26 Apr 2005
Just got my Postal Ballot through the door this morning -not that I have any intention of voting in the General [or any other] Election. Barely had the ballot paper landed on the doormat, when it was followed shortly afterwards by an avalanche of leaflets from the various candidates. I don’t know why they even bother wasting the money printing this shite up [Although judging from the grotty, smudgy, sub church newsletter offerings from a few of the smaller parties, not everyone exactly broke the bank, publicising their pipedreams].... [ Read More ]
New Who Review --Boo! 31 Mar 2005
Well, last night I sat down to watch the much-heralded rebirth of the formerly magnificent Doctor Who, with Christopher Ecclestone as The Doctor and Billie Piper as his travelling companion Rose. In spite of my instinctive dislike of the latter [I’m sorry, but you’ve got to feel some kind of contempt for anyone who’d marry a twat like Chris Evans! and because of my complete ignorance of [and therefore lack of prejudice against] the former, I determined to give the programme a 'Fair Go'.... [ Read More ]
Who's Next? 31 Mar 2005
So Christopher Ecclestone has quit after making one series of the new Doctor Who, saying he "Doesn’t want to be typecast", has he? Hmmm…​ Could you not have considered that this might likely happen, if you took on the role of one of the most iconic figures on British telly, before you signed the contract? So, after all the long wait to see Doctor Who on the box again, after all the fanfare and the build-up, after all the "... [ Read More ]
School Time Versus Real Time 23 Mar 2005
When I was at Ballyclare High School, way back in the 'Black & White days', the timing of the bell for the end of each lesson was always 2 or 3 minutes shy of the actual time. So for example, although lunch was at 12:30 and school finished at 15:45, the bells actually went at 12:28 and 15:43. This strange scenario lasted throughout my seven years at the school [And for all I know might still pertain today].... [ Read More ]
Jesus Is a Zero -or a Negative Influence? 19 Mar 2005
Driving back from Leeds this morning I passed a church in Huddersfield which had one of those 'Trendy Vicar' advertising slogan type notices outside, designed to 'get down with the kids' and have the punters flooding in of a Sunday. I couldnae photograph the actual sign, due to negotiating a tricky junction at the time, but I have masterfully reproduced it here. Now on the face of it we seem to have the usual 'Jesus is Love' message, but zanily [and quite possibly 'Bonkersly'] dressed up as a mathematical equation [These trendy vicars sure know how to target the youth market!... [ Read More ]
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