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Wimbledon Sketch 16 Oct 2007
THE WIMBLEDON COMMENTATOR The commentator is of the 'Old School' - an old fuddy-duddy type with a public school accent. Think Dan Maskell. COMMENTATOR: And so as Jock McTavish prepares to serve in this deciding game, the hopes of British tennis rest squarely on his young shoulders…​ He bounces the ball…​ once…​ twice…​ He serves…​ [pause …​Thwack noise - roaring from the crowd] COMMENTATOR: [Shouts - excited] ACE! It’s an ace!... [ Read More ]
Bog Trotting 02 Sep 2007
Apropos of nothing - save the fact I’ll be stayin' over at a mates house in a few days - a question which has long puzzled me: "why do the English never have locks on their toilet doors?" I’m just going though a mental list of friends, acquaintances, in-laws and other 'Persons Known to Me' - as the police would have it - in whose houses, over the years, I’ve spent the night.... [ Read More ]
The Tao of Tattoos 01 Sep 2007
Back in the good old days, it was mostly life’s misfits; the Rockers, the Bikers, the Punks and old Teddy Boys and ex-servicemen who sported a proliferation of tattoos. Nowadays however, it seems you’d be making more of a statement and cocking more of a snook at the world if you chose not to 'get ink done'. So in that bitter and twisted mood that comes upon me when I see normal society encroaching on what used to be weirdo territory, I present my 'Tao of Tattoos'.... [ Read More ]
Blue Peter 30 Aug 2007
Amongst the usual wheelbarrow loads of spam I’ve been getting in my intray over the past week or three, there’s been several dozen with a subject line consisting of some variation on the theme "My boyfriends' <insert slang name for willy> is so big…​ yadda…​ yadda…​". I don’t actually know what the rest of the line is, as it gets cut off by the edge of my email app window and - needless to say - I just delete spam without looking at it, but one thing I did find mildly amusing: where the <slang name for willy> appears in the subject line, I’ve seen all the usual suspects used; 'Penis', 'Cock', 'Wang', 'Pecker', and so on.... [ Read More ]
Your Mother Should Know 28 Aug 2007
OK - Here’s an interesting theory for you based - needless to say - on purely fictitious set of circumstances and [libel lawyers please note] not on anything currently in the news: Imagine a couple on a foreign holiday with their small children. The parents, being a pair of fuckwitts, decide to go out for a meal one night, leaving their three year old daughter and even younger son alone in their holiday apartment.... [ Read More ]
The One That Didnae Get Away 03 Aug 2007
You know them big cylinders of meat you see in your local Kebab Shop - sweating profusely as they slowly turn on their spit? I bet like me, you thought they were Elephant’s Legs. We’ll, it turns out we were mistaken. As this package label I found in my local Asda reveals, the kebab is in fact a magnificent sea creature. Now where can I catch me one? ... [ Read More ]
Sounds Like a Load of Wank to Me! 02 Aug 2007
Today’s award for the "Most Unfortunate Combination of Function Logo and Acronym" goes to the Thailand Open-source Software Festival --or 'TOSSFEST' as it is more casually known. Just look at that Open Source goodness, spurting forth from the mighty Jap’s Eye of software innovation! ... [ Read More ]
The Planet Needs No Saving 06 Jul 2007
I really wish people would stop wanking on about "Saving the Planet". You can barely turn on the telly or radio, or read an advert these days without stumbling across some multinational Earth-raping company trying to convince you they’re all a bunch of lentil sucking hippies, or having to listen to some tedious 'popstar' banging on about the environment, before dumping a few more tons of carbon into the air as they jet off to their next global photo opportunity.... [ Read More ]
No Claims Penalty 09 Jun 2007
I had to renew the car insurance the other day and, in spite of not having made any claims [for the ninth year in a row] I noticed my insurers had put the premium up by £17 on last year’s. My previous insurers used to do this as well: Every year they’d send me a renewal quote which was higher than the previous year’s - in spite of my having made no claims.... [ Read More ]
Environmentally Feindlich 22 Mar 2007
I’m glad to see that The Government is finally doing its bit for the environment by using yesterday’s budget to add a few pence onto the price of a litre of diesel and also by raising the Road Tax on 4x4s to £400 a year! I fully realise that using my beat-up fourteen year old Isuzu Trooper a couple of times a week to nip to the supermarket or pick the missus up from work makes me an environmental terrorist of the worst kind and deserving to be financially punished, whereas all those Business Executives and Government Ministers with as many cars on the driveway as there are people in the family and who spend more time in the fucking air than I do on the road, are really lentil sucking hippies and tree huggers of the first order.... [ Read More ]
Goody News Is No News 20 Jan 2007
Anger and outrage swept the globe this week and left the United Kingdom and India teetering on the brink of Total Nuclear Armageddon, when it was learned that one "Moronic Zzzelebrity who Would Eat Their Own Shit With a Knife and Fork if They Thought it Would Get Them on Television" had kind of…​ sort of…​ obliquely offended another "Moronic Zzzelebrity who Would Eat Their Own Shit With a Knife and Fork if They Thought it Would Get Them on Television"... [ Read More ]
The Louder You Shout, the Less I Hear! 04 Jan 2007
The other night, when I was watching some drivel on the box, the ads came on and a minor irritation occured when I automatically reached down for the remote control to hit the "Mute" button and found it wasnae where I usually leave it. It occurred to me that for months now I’ve been instinctively muting the TV as soon as any channel I’m watching goes into a commercial break.... [ Read More ]
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