For many moons now, I’ve been working on a revolutionary new theory which states that it should be possible to deduce a person’s real sexuality from their preferred flavour of potato crisps, or their hi-tech cousins - the reconstituted corn or maize snack. This quite independently of that person’s professed sexuality.
I’ve noticed that when confronted with a choice of such titbits at the kind of swanky soireés I get invited to, most girls have a horrible predeliction for the disgustingly cheesy flavours, whilst the average red-blooded male will almost always opt for something a bit more piscine....
[ Read More ]What's My Bloody Problem?
04 Jul 2005
Am I the only one becoming teeth-grindingly irritated by the constant [and meaningless] overuse of the word “Solution” in regard to all things corporate and industrial nowadays?
This ‘disease’ is doubtless common throughout the business world, but I especially notice its sweaty-palmed prevalence in the area I work; computers and the internet. Software companies no longer sell Applications; they produce “Business Solutions”. ISPs have given up renting webspace and instead offer “Hosting Solutions”....
[ Read More ]Madra 'Unfunny' - Official!
30 Jun 2005
Well, yesterday I received an email from the BBC with the shortlist of 36 people who made it through to the final of the Last Laugh competition and my name was conspicuous by its absence. This means that I am officially a “Witless Drudge” with all the writing ability of a “Prepubescent Teenager who has been educated from birth via the medium of SMS text messages”. But you already knew that, didn’t you?...
[ Read More ]Political Cartoon No.0003
17 Jun 2005
In today’s searingly topical cartoon, I have tried to imagine Sir Bob Geldof’s reaction when he first heard that Live8 tickets were being sold on eBay. I apologise to those of a sensitive disposition for the strong language used. I felt it was necessary to capture the essence of the man.
[ Read More ]Autistic Bloody Britain
16 Jun 2005
I once saw a documentary on telly about Autism. During it, two kids were shown a toy being hidden underneath one of two up-turned boxes. One of the kids was then led from the room and in his or her absence, the toy’s hiding place was swapped, so that it was under the other box. The kid who’d remained in the room and seen the switch was asked to indicate under which box he or she thought the other child would think the toy was....
[ Read More ]English for Beginners
16 Jun 2005
Sometimes, whilst ploughing through the semi-literate prose which comprises [I’d guess] 99,9% of the content on the internet, I find myself wondering if anyone else on the planet can actually spell and understand basic English grammar? I’m not talking about the plankton-brained kids of today and their teeth-grindingly irritating ”…u no wot I want cuz u is gr8…” SMS inspired terminal illiteracy, but seemingly intelligent ‘Grown-Ups’ who, in the middle of an otherwise coherent paragraph, will suddenly drop in a ”… you know what your doing…” or an ”....
[ Read More ]RIP Conor
09 Jun 2005
Hard to believe it’s two years today since I had to take my wee buddy Conor to get put down. I hope you’re having fun up there in the big kennel in the sky, wee man!
[ Read More ]Whither Lembit Opik?
09 Jun 2005
Imagine my horror when I tuned into a ‘talking heads’ type programme on Radio 5 [AKA “Radio PC”] this morning to find that Liberal Democrat MP for Montgomeryshire, Lembit Opik, was not amongst the panel of guests, offering his Rent-an-opinion on anything from Asteroids to …er… Zoomorphism, in that ever-so-slightly camp sounding Norn Iron accent of his.
You hear a lot on the news about shake-ups in the management of the major broadcasting organisations these days, so I fervently hope that some clipboard sucking loon somewhere hasn’t suddenly taken it upon himself to wonder, “What has this cunt actually done, apart from prattle on incessantly in the House of Commons about the dangers of meteors striking the earth -and bang Sian Lloyd, the TV weather girl- that we seemingly have to invite him onto absolutely every mediocre talking shop and discussion panel broadcast anywhere in the UK, like some latter day Germaine-fucking-Greer?...
[ Read More ]Drowning in a Sea of Widgets
06 Jun 2005
[ Read More ]I Hate Clipart People!
03 Jun 2005
This morning I had to go online to pay another wodge of my hard-earned cash to Powergen to cover my electricity bill. On the online payments page I was greeted with this inanely grinning tart.
What the fuck is going on here? Why do these huge companies; energy suppliers, banks, local government - insist on sending us bills, threatening letters, final demands for payment and the like, embellished with these plastic-toothed, American-chinned, vacant looking clipart mannekins?...
[ Read More ]Political Cartoon No. 002
Inspector Morse is on the the telly last night and I’ve got half an eye on it while doing some bilge on the computer. A Devil-worshipping ‘Baddy’ has kidnapped a woman and Morse and Lewis are in her house gazing solemnly upon her kitchen walls where the miscreant has daubed some Satanic runes. They also come across a note from the kidnapper, smeared on a sheet of paper. Both the runes on the wall and the writing on the note appear to have been written in flourescent red oil-paint....
[ Read More ]Syrup of the Week Award
31 May 2005
Newsnight have just been running an article on the current spate of referenda on the proposed EU constitution, taking place across member states. The Dutch PM Jan Peter Balkenende was featured, speaking in favour of a ‘Yes’ [or should that be ‘Ja’ ?] vote. If I was Dutch, he’d certainly get my vote. How could you fail to throw your support behind a man with such a fine luxuriant head of natural looking hair?...
[ Read More ]Why Can't We Say 'Non' to This Frog?
31 May 2005
Can there be a rational human being out there who wouldn’t in the past have agreed that, in the interest of creating a better society for all of us, pretty much all Scallies and Chavs should be put down at birth and their bingo-clink wearing, tracksuit sporting, in-bred Neanderthal featured parents compulsorarily sterilised? I thought not - and this was probably your opinion even before that fucking annoying Frog Ringtone started to monopolise every commercial break on every TV and radio station in the land....
[ Read More ]Political Cartoon No. 001
30 May 2005
This is the first in an occasional series of politically and socially motivated cartoons, wherein I shall be bringing my colossal intellect and rapier-like wit to bear upon contemporary issues. Here we see a damning indictment on the recent re-election of Tony Blair
[ Read More ]'Yes' and 'Mister' Are the Hardest Words of All
29 May 2005
Isn’t it funny how, no matter how fluently a ‘foreigner’ in a TV drama or a film speaks English, they never seem to master the words for “Yes” and “No” or “Mister” “Miss” and “Missus”?
“Mais oui, Monsieur. The murderer was obviously expecting us to be taken in by the deceptive simplicity of his diabolically executed scheme” [Hercules Poirot].
“Sí Señor. I will tell the Señora that you wish to discuss the matter further at a mutually convenient time” [Any stereotyped sweaty, greasy, hand-wringing ‘Spic’ hotel manager in a Film Noir]....
[ Read More ]Why Do They Say 'Literally' When They Mean 'Figuratively'?
27 May 2005
This seems to be a disease endemic amongst the journalistic classes, but seems particularly prevalent amongst sports commentators.
”…He quite literally skinned the defender…” ”…the keeper literally performed miracles between the sticks…” ”…the whole town of Aintree quite literally comes to a standstill for this race…” ”…he’s literally been driving by the seat of his pants for the past two laps…” and so on and so forth. Such sloppy grammar....
[ Read More ]Baggsy No Mugs!
15 May 2005
This came up in a random “Trip down Memory Lane” conversation in the pub wi’ my wee sister and bro the other day. So in the interests of preserving the rules of this great sport for future generations, I present the comprehensive guide to Canteen Table Chess, as practiced at Ballyclare High School, during my incarceration there from 1976-1983:
The Rules Meals are served from a central serving hatch. Each patiently waiting table is given the nod from the all powerful dinner-ladies on patrol, to join the queue to be served....
[ Read More ]Spoiling Tactics
Well, after a couple of weeks of writing, scrunching up, rewriting, revising, scrunching up, rewriting, un-rewriting, un-scrunching, editing, rewriting and going back to what was originally there in the first friggin’ place, I finally decided to stop tweaking and uploaded my entry for the BBC’s Last Laugh competition. I did an ending to “The old Guys”]. Now, I’ve just got to sit back for a couple o months and wait for fame and fortune to come a-knocking at the door and then I’ll never again have to waste precious minutes composing this tedious drivel [that no fucker ever reads anyway!...
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